Meddling, controlling sister-in-laws

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#16254By TwinMom on Tuesday, August 02, 2005 - 4:32 am

My husband and I have been married for ten years and in this time two of his sisters have continually made problems for me. For some reason they seem to think that their relationship as brother and sister is more important than ours as husband and wife. I should mention that both sisters are single, in their 40s have have few friends. They have complained throughout the years about small things I've "done wrong", always to my husband behind my back. The clincher came when the nuttiest of the two sisters left a four-minute message on my husband's cell phone calling me the worst names in the book and attacking my personal character. I am hurt that my husband has allowed this to go on for so long. I am very upset that my husband never let his sister know that it's wrong to call me hateful names. I have done alot for these women throughout the years -- babysat their kids, lent them clothes, even set one up with a boyfriend (which didn't work out in the long run, of course). I always seem to be the bad guy, I think mainly because I have alot of friends and I keep busy and generally try to distance myself from the sisters and their bad-mouthing, back-stabbing ways of relating. I should mention that they fight with each other all the time too. I'm about ready to throw in the towel on that entire faily, my scardey-cat husband included. Any advice?

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#16870By 2nd best on Monday, November 28, 2005 - 4:09 am

To Twin Mom:

I thought I was the only one with those types of sister inlaws.I too have tolerated years of B.S. from them.Why do they even assume they are THE FAMILY when their brothers are grown with familys of THEIR OWN.I have been gradually PUTTING them in their place ,which is NOT easy.People only treat you how YOU allow them to.It is time to STOP letting them into our lives EVEN though they honestly think they have a right to be there.
My sister inlaws always slide verbal hits into every conversation. They always have a way of TELLING me what THEY have planned for their brothers future.A way to have or express their power over him.This is merely a POWER STRUGGLE to try and push their way into doing your job as THE WIFE.
I can honestly say it is a pain,and I dont know about you,but I am NOT taking anymore.


Good Luck,
2nd best

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#18936By worriedsister on Sunday, December 03, 2006 - 6:26 am

I thought I was the only one that has controlling sister-in-laws. Well one ex-sister-in-law that thinks she's still married to the Family. I don't know why my brother hangs around her. My other sister-in-law is one sided. She always, always takes the children, who are now grown up to see her mother. This infuriated me to no end. They pay more attention to that side of the family and my brother hasn't got the gumption to put his foot down. So they are both pains in the butts. Tried to reason with them but they are both stubborn. Any advice

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#19354By CRYSTAL on Tuesday, March 13, 2007 - 2:21 am

ITS PRETTY SAD THAT OUR HUSBANDS DON'T STICK UP FOR US - MY HUSBAND JUST LEFT ME BECAUSE HE DIDN'T STICK UP FOR ME AND I FOUGHT BACK AND WE ARGUED- BUT HE SAID HE CAN'T TAKE NO MORE - AND THAT IF I CAN'T LIKE HIS SISTER THEN THIS MARRIGE WOULD NEVER WORK-- I WILL REMIND YOU THAT MY HUSBAND HAS HAD AN AFFIAR 3X'S AND THIS IS NOT THE FIRST WAR I HAVE HAD WITH HER- BUT THIS WAS THE WORSE AND NOW I KNOW THAT MY HUSBAND WOULD NEVER STAND UP FOR ME... SO DO YOUR BEST..

[dove828]

Yes, it is really difficult to cope with meddling in laws. My husband and I married almost thirty years ago and his sister and mother think they have to protect him in that little boy capacity, although he is over fifty and has grown up children of his own! My sister in law has been married three times and has no children and I think she is the real problem, although the fact that my husband is frightened to stand up to them doesn't help. Last year my mother in law phoned my husband and accused him of keeping our children away from her, yet she was never interested in them until now, as they have become very successful adults.....My husband did not stick up for me during the phone call and preferred to say nothing and cut them off, like they have cut off so many of their relatives themselves....We have not spoken for a year now, although the sister in law has made phone calls to our house, again trying to take control of the situation that has absolutely nothing to do with her. Also he received a guilt ridden letter from his mother for his birthday of all things. It has put a strain on our very long marriage, as he just does not have the courage to stand up to them. It is interesting, as I would not here a bad word about my husband and would stand up for him in a second. I have been totally loyal to my husband for this time, and feel that he owes it to me to protect what we have together. To me is starting to look like a fifty five year old whimp and I feel both sorry and embarrassed for him.

I hear that there are a lot of mother and sister in law sufferers out there.... My brothers wives are my best friends and there is no way I would ever place demands or expectations on my own brothers and think my mother and sister in law must both be pathetically unhappy in their own relationships...

To all the wonderful sister in laws and mother in laws that must be out there, you are a blessing, I wish you were mine!

[editor]

Originally Posted by dove828

Yes, it is really difficult to cope with meddling in laws. My husband and I married almost thirty years ago and his sister and mother think they have to protect him in that little boy capacity...

I hear that there are a lot of mother and sister in law sufferers out there.... My brothers wives are my best friends and there is no way I would ever place demands or expectations on my own brothers and think my mother and sister in law must both be pathetically unhappy in their own relationships...

To all the wonderful sister in laws and mother in laws that must be out there, you are a blessing, I wish you were mine!

Hello 828

Welcome to the rather large club of sufferers of SILs and MILs.
This at appears is a universal phenomenon that invokes among SILs and MILs these unwelcoming protective sentiments towards their little babies.

There is a psychological angle to the story whereby most men, here we can also include many women, do not break the umblical cord to their mothers ever. A mature, intelligent and grown up man usually breaks this psychological cord and know how to respect the mother and sisters while he creates his own family. But again this very thing usually comes from mature mothers who should taught their children to be reliable and trustworthy persons to their spouses and slowly and gradually leave the dependency level on the parents.

In this case you need not lose your sleep and do not be so bulldozed by the newly created interest in your family from you SIL and MIL.
Just accept with graciousness whatever they say as a compliment.

Do not be taking as a weakness of your husband but as a strength that he does not react and he is a solid guy. He may not show on the spot support for you but he does surely care for you as you right that he simply listened to her quietly.

The best you could is train your children now to be independent.

Most of the meddling persons are usually either free and have nothing better to do or they simply have no other way to show their controlling weakness.

[nandu]

i got married 10 months ago , till now me and my husband didnt settle properly like he wont share his ideas with me. he wont fell me as his life partner ...........he thinks i am a person who cooks for him and have to look after there parents and sisters....
he is educated fool i can say .......... even he is not good at sex...........

after getting married i came to usa after coming i can say there is not a single day i ddint cry he feels good why i cry he beats me badly sometimes i beat him to when he beat me more ........ before marriage i am very happy but after its like hell... and main problem i need divorce is i think my husband has affair with her elder sister he loves her alot .... i think before marriage they had sex and some kind of oral also ........... and he thinks of her only that lady she got married and hav son 24 years .... and all the matters he will share with her even he say wat he had daily and what he is doing at office watever she says my does the same........... see i am his wife even i have some feelings but he never minds about that.......... he dont want sex with me ............... and his family is not good and ours is an arranged marriage ..........
for his friends and other people he pretends to be good man but not in reality he is big physco.......... i dont want to spoil my rest of my life for this kind of person and now my age is 22 only

he never loved me .... now he want to get pregnant and have children as request of there parents before marriage he promised my parents that he will allow me to complete my further studies and let me do job but now he is changing his words............ and i dont want to have children with that kind of person ........... plzzzzzzz tell me wat to do

[exdo]

Yeah you have to get even by setting them up even if it is done thru the law(even better) and even if it's your spouse.What done to you ; you do to others even better. GOOD LUCK:

[happy feet]

Sounds like they are jealous. The will get whats coming to them.

[LHARRIS]

MY HUSBAND OF 5 YEARS HAS RECENTLY FOUND HIS REAL FATHER. ALONG WITH HIM, HE FOUND OUT HE HAS TWO HALF SISTERS. ONE HAS CALLED MAYBE TWICE, BUT THE OTHER ONE CALLS EVERY DAY SOMETIMES TWO OR THREE TIMES A DAY AND IS ALWAYS ON PILLS OR SMOKING POT OR SOMETHING. SHE IS WEARING ME OUT AND MY HUSBAND IS NOT REALLY BOTHERED BY IT. I HAVE ASKED HIM TO TELL HER TO CHILL OUT AND SHE WILL-FOR ABOUT A DAY...THEN RIGHT BACK TO EVERY DAY. SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN ME OR WHO I AM, ONLY TO TALK FOR AN HOUR OR SO ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE HATES THEIR FATHER--AND THE OTHER SISTER DOES AS WELL. I AM TIRED OF THE DRAMA AND HAVE FINALLY BLOCKED THEIR NUMBERS FROM CALLING. HOWEVER, MY RECORDS SHOW THAT HE CALLED HER ABOUT TWO WEEKS AGO AND NEVER MENTIONED IT TO ME. I FELT LIKE HE WAS IN A WAY BEING DISHONEST AND IT REALLY BOTHERS ME. HE WANTS TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS FATHER BUT I CANT UNDERSTAND WHY HE WOUL WANT TO HEAR ALL THE BAD RAP THAT HIS SISTERS GIVE HIM. CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT TO DO?