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Husband with porn addiction. Seeking advice before I go crazy!

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Porn addiction is not about the wife. It comes from the husband trying to medicate with good feelings. The porn provides feelings of acceptance, understanding, comfort. The visual usually leads to masturbation which leads to the release of positive feeling hormones in the brain. Porn addicts believe they are awful people who are unwanted and that no onw will ever meet their needs. Porn addicts usually suffered neglect or emotional abandonment while children. Porn is addictive in that it provides an escape from bad feelings. Ladies this is from a male porn addict. I feel bad for you and am sorry for your pain.

My husband and I have been married for 12 years. About 5 years ago my husband made a video of a women taking a bath. The woman found out and I ended up with the video.
Before this time I was perfectly comfortable with my husband viewing porn. After this event I am absolutely disgusted by it. He refuses to discuss this with me at all. He said he made a mistake and there is nothing that he can do about it. Now he is angry with me because I have difficulty trusting him. In the last several months our sex life has dwindled significantly. I am experiencing a time in my life that I don't have much of a sex drive. I made the mistake of telling him about this. Now it seems that it is my fault that he is masterabating alot. The part I don't understand is that I have explained to him that if he initiates sex I do get turned on and enjoy it... he refuses to be the one to ask/or suggest in any way that he would like to make love. Instead of approaching me I believe he uses porn to masterbate. Yesturday after dinner he went into a room down stairs to masterbate. This is typically time that he would be spending with the kids watching T.V. He will leave me in bed to go look at something and masterbate.

Well iam 37 years old the love of my life is also addicted to porn but i dont have much room to talk considerinding iam anaddict of meth we both are .But i love him so and yes hes my it been with him 13 years was virgin when i met him .and definatly no prude i love sex with him!!!but the porn and dope has taking its toll on usthe porn sorta turns me off now cause the way hes in too it.its not a couplething any more its i gess my feelings are sorta hurt ill be going to town giving oral and hes into his movies its just chaneged i feel he loves me yet i know my love makes me love it when he gets all hot just very confused afraid the movies might of changed him a bit scared yet not willing to lose my best friend and husband!!!!

Starz -

This is obviously important to you - and that is ok. I think you should try to talk to someone about this - together. He cannot give it up - and I kind of understand that, as I have used porn for some time now. But the problem is that this is important to you and he still cannot control himself.

The counseling may help him understand how it affects the people around him, as well to better understand why he is doing it and to help control it.

The other option is for you to simply lay it on the line. Let him know you know, and that he has broken your trust. Do this lovingly. Tell him how much your relationship means to you, and exactly how his looking at porn makes you feel. It is important to you that he stops - and tell him why. Don't fight about it - just do this in a very loving way while looking deeply into him.

If he says he will stop I would suggest you work on some ground rules - together. Ways of helping him stop while allowing you to feel confortable that he has. This could include getting a password lock on the computer, using spyware (tell him you are doing it prior to installing), putting the computer in full view of the household... There are a number of ways.

This is not meant to punish or belittle him - but if his true intent is to stop and he has trouble doing that - this will help him and help you trust that he has stopped.

I hope it works out. Let us know.

Papster

Well I recently found out that my husband has been watching porn, I was only surprised because we had disscussions about it before and established that I wouldnt accept that. We got married march 2005 and I moved in with him in june because he was working in another state and i was finishing up school so i moved in in june and started working mid july and thats when he started watching it, well he had been watching it but saying he wasnt when i found out i felt extremely dissappointed because he could lie to me and not feel guilty i really dont understand

Ok I am 22 my husband is 27 we have been married for 11 months we got married march 2005 and i moved in with him june 2005 because we were in different states and i was finishing school well when we first started dating i found porn videos asked him about them and he said they werent his i believed him told him my opinion of porn and told him i wouldnt accept that he agreed said he wouldnt do it anymore and i believed him well we became a couple dated for a year then we were apart the second year then we got married and now Im here i found out hes been watching porn this whole time he took a break when i came up here but started watching it again 2 months after i moved in with him and at that time we were having sex all the time thats why im so puzzled what is he looking for that hes not getting? he says he watches it to see naked girls but I really get the feeling he masturbates to it what hurts the most is that hes lied all this time and when i asked him if he would have kept doing it if i hadnt caught him he said yes he would have kept watching it i feel extremely dissappointed because i believed him and i thought things were good they seemed to be really good but i guess not... he says he will stop but thats what he said the first time and i just dont believe him, i know he doesnt think its a big deal i can tell by the way he acts when i talk about it but to me it is im just afraid that he has a problem because i wouldnt even know what to do or how to approach it........ am i wrong??????? i dont know what to think.......

hi im julie and im 20yrs old and im a filipina im married to 19 yrs old guy he is u.s army i love him thats why im married to him but i have a problem thats always botherd me we got married for 3monts but untill now why he cant tell to his parent that he is married to me,he told me that his father know and his brother except his mom cause he's afraid that he's mom hates him. cause he promise to his mom that he won't bring a girl when he go back home so i believe that after the day's go by a fined out that he lies to me only his brother only know that he is married i fined out cause i read his dad email from him his dad asking why he had big overdraf at the bank for two monts and hes dad say "is julie live to you?" wow i confuse and i talk to him about that and then he explain to me but im not gonna believe him anymore that kind a hurts im a good to him, im honest to him but his not its hurt me so bad i feel like he use me for his carrer to get a high rank on the army or to get more extra money,,,;( i don't know what to do i your help i need advice plsss help me......

You make a compelling and emotional argument against port - especially with what you have gone through in the past.

I am an adult male who does view porn (occasionally). Although he does not intend to hurt you by viewing it, and it is not directed at you (ie, a way to 'get back at you'...), his viewing it has a profound negative impact on you. His reaction seems to indicate that he is not proud of what he is doing, but it is a type of 'need' that he has. The draw of it overcomes his love for you and the knowledge of what it will do to you, and he goes ahead anyway.

You have already explained to him the affect it is having on you and why it is important to you that he stops. This has not alieviated the problem. I wonder if the two of you have an open enough relationship where he can admit to you that he is feeling the urge to view it, and that you can create a special romantic and sexual evening that will cause his seeming 'need' to view porn to be satisfied where it belongs - with you! That may help the situation (granted, I am guessing here), and help to modify his behavior - especially if it is a sexual need.

The other important thing to consider here is counseling - both individual for him and joint. For him to better understand why he is doing it and why he cannot seem to stop. They will have better advice/steps than I have provided. Joint so that you can talk about it in an appropriate forum to make sure you are communicating the best way possible so that he can really understand all of the emotions and fears this brings up in you. This alone should make him want to stop. You will also benefit as he will communicate to you what is happening to him at those moments of weekness, and you may be able to understand that better and again come up with a better solution/behavior modification.

You deserve to be heard and to not feel threatened. These steps should provide you with the opportunity to create that result. At the end of the day if you both cannot come to terms with this it may be a dealbreaker. Approach that only if you cannot reach a resolution via counseling, reading, and self analysis.

Good luck to you - you know what you need - act on it in a loving way. You are both hurting - look after yourself and it will help him as well.

please help - =;i am so upset right now i have been married for ten years and have been dealing with some unbealievable emotional stress .here goes, about 4 years into my marriage i found a dvd of porn ,i asked my husband about it and he lied and said it was a friends . ok i thought , and while i wasn't happy about it at least it wasn't his .thing like this , reading a cable bill and having it on my coputer history continue to happen even up to now.it is all so confusing to me because he is such a good father to the kids and can be so great at work and be so nice to me sometimes . i feel so strongly about this filth and this was known way before we had gotten married , i have had gotten rapped two times and had really overcome all of the feelings it leaves you with ( feelings of worthlessness , gross lonliness , exterme saddness ; feeling you don't deserve anything but tourchere forever ,violated , and worst of all hopelessness ( this was alot of pain and hard work ) we have had numerouse fights overhis porn betrayal . i have been depressed for weeks at a time , developed a drinking problem over it and also don't seem to want to leave the house any more because i feel unlovable and like i must really be aweful to be with , man i'm rambeling sorry i just can't even believe that this is what my life ! i meam god i don't know what else i can do i'm 28 with two kids no strech marks hazel eyes size two and have never let myself go during our life together , what do men want ? oh did i forget to mention he has bipolar disorder and was also violated by people close to him as well ? now im sure you can understand where the hoplessness comes in=;i really hate people who do these awful things !he has opened up to me when he gets caught (he sets me up by leaving it to be found . though he says becuse its a call for help) it's so hard to believe him ( but when he falls to pieces and theres no faking it ) what would you do ? i try so hard to be kind and approachable but it hurts so much to see in front of you over and over all the volital different women your husband is giving himself to instead of you knowing how much it has ruined aleady . how can i you handle it? how do you rebuild trust when it never stops breaking how do you start over when it never ends is there help for me ?=;

Porn Addiction may = Abuse. This is the first time I have ever been in a relationship with a man who watched porn. At first I didn't have a problem with it, people often say that all men do it. Well in my experence this has not been true. We as women want to think we are enough for our men and when they treat us like we are we feel secure in the relationship. When my boyfriend watches porn I am no longer secure, it lowers my self esteem and causes me to have severe doughts in his love for me. So I talk to him about it. He becomes defensive every time. If this makes me feel insucure he will stop, is what I was thinking the first time I decided to bring it up. He belittles me for being weak. Even though I'm white and the porn he watches is mostly black I should'nt feel like he wants anyone but me. Ha! F****N Ha!
So now I am being blamed for having the nerve to feel insecure. He says he is not co-dependant, so I better not try to make him give up a single thing for me or he will just leave. So I was forced into excepting it or losing him. OH NO!
I stopped asking about it. I have no idea why I did'nt leave him at this point. I have had bad relationships before, monumentally worse than this, so something in my head told me to be grateful that it's not worse.

He does not have his own car. I would drive him to and from work everyday. After awhile he started to insult my driving what seemed like everytime we went anywhere. He would tell me I'm not going fast enough, or just start yelling at he because I did not put my turn signal on a few seconds before. I did not look at this as a big deal.

Everytime I would cook dinner he would come into the kitchen, look around at what I was doing. If I waited for the oven to pre-heat he would get mad call me stupid and throw me out of the kitchen. Well, I follow directions. That's what the f'in box says to do!

We are now at the end of the relationship, now that he thinks I am going to stand idlely by and take the abuse he pulls out the big guns. My favorite is how a man will blatenly insult you and then say he was just kidding. He says to me one night, "you have a nice body to bad about your face". When I got pissed off then he says just kidding. Just this morning he said I have a flat ass, no typeo, then just kidding.

I am not blind I now I am being abused. I am now saving my money and one day he'll come home and I won't be there. So, my point is that I should have known he was abusive because he disregarded my feelings to begin with. It is only escalating into a far worse monster. One that will only get worse, that might even turn into physical voilence if I stay. So take warning now, mental abuse is no joke!!

I see so many good men out there everyday. Just one look in their eyes and I know they would treat me like I deserved to be treated. This guy tries to make me feel like I don't deserve it so I'll stay with him. I am not the one. He only made me feel like I deserve it even more. We should all teach them that we do not have to take what they dish out!

Angela,

I live in USA in fun Utah some of my family are from Brasil, I am from Peru. And I have't been back in a while, but I am planing a trip With my husband and children. Ok my dinner is on fire have to go... thank you

Dear Confuse,

Thanks for your really kind words. I don't know that I know so much about relationships. I just know that a positive and realistic attitude can go a very long way. That's the way I am in my own marriage and so far so good!

I also try to make suggestions along those lines for other people. I don't think people should be discouraged easily because a marriage takes work. But I also think that people should be realistic about their expectations and any issues they have.

I don't think it just because you are from a different culture. I think when you are in a situation and emotionally involved it is hard to get a perspective. It's no use wondering if you are immature because you are mature enough to be working to make things better! I had just asked about where you are from because I could tell English wasn't your native language, it's great that you are good at communicating in English too though. I was just curious where you were writing from. I have been to Brazil but no other country in South America. I live in the USA.

I wish you all the best in your marriage and life! Stay positive!

Angela you are the best!

Thank you very much for your advise, it helps me a lot, is me that has to let the past go and start fresh, I try for a wile, but when I remember I get very sad and upset. I am from Sud America (south). How do you know so much about relationships? or am I just inmature? or meybe is my culture. Thank you again.

Hi Confuse,

It seems like probably for both of you there are some deeper issues than the pornography and those are what you need to work on. Probably first you both need to see that there is something worth working on together. Let him know how you feel and ask him if he will try to make things better. Also ask him what he feels. It is not normal for him to "send you away to be alone in the house."

There will always be other attractive women in the world, but you need to know you are his one and only. Also, you need to tell him that you need to be the receiver sometimes. Sometimes men don't get things until you tell them directly (and sometimes women want men to figure it out without being told). Open communication and effort is best. You don't need each other to be perfect, what you need is perfect committment to working on the marriage together.

Don't focus on the negative though, focus on the positive (you said you feel much more love now) and make the negatives better.

Can I ask what country you are in/from? Just curious.

Best of luck and I wish you happiness!

-Angela

Thans Angela, I think you are R, everytime I bring it up he get very upset, but is so hard for me to forget all the times he send me away to be alone in the house, now he tell s me it was my foult for not doing ths things he wanted me to do, like spending money, not being responsible, etc. We can talk better now (after talking a class) We can fell the diference, how much more love there is, I do anything to making happy( always have)since the begining, hE IS A RECIVER AND i AM A GIVER, BUT IS NICE TO fell wanted love and plese one in a while, I am a beutiful women thats why I get confuse. If we go out he eyes are everywhere but on me, why do you think this is? I ask him and he said that is because he has to look. grrrrrrr there are day we are very happy but there ae days when I just want to live. HELP

confuse, seems like you are on the right track if he is doing better. if I were you I wouldn't focus on the promise to *never* do it again, but rather on the positive changes you see. For example, if he ever slips and does it just once, while it isn't good, you would do better if you are encouraging and acknowledge how much better he is. Then he will have incentive to try harder to stop. Anyway, if he did every once in a very long while, that isn't so bad, but you don't want that to take over and mess things up between you.

What I am saying is that things are going well and you'll be happier to focus on that. When you say that you don't know whether to trust him that means that you are still a little focused on the negative and if he ever looks again you will both be back to the beginning. Instead, look at it like a process. He is genuinely trying to be better for you. If you respond with love instead of suspicion that will keep making him want to be better.

The other thing is that if everytime someone regresses a bit we act like all their previous efforts to stop are meaningless, then they are not going to want to keep trying because it is so easy to fail.

I think you both have a great shot at making things better! Just relax and be caring toward each other!

me and my husband have been married for a year and a half and we seperated for about 6 months because of family issues and he moved in a friend that brought a whole lot of porn in the house, my husband owned 1 that we would watch together and have a little fun, but now there is hardly anything between us, unless I initiate it i would wait for weeks, find videos left in dvd/vcr whathave you. It drives me crazy too but I have found that if I try to keep him busy with me the less I have to wait after all the woman on the videos are just that on a video, he seems to be into me more now, I watch some of the video to get an idea of what it is he finds so interesting, he doesn't know that I do that but it seems to be working, I also put on something slinky when I know he has been watching it or before he does.

I have a husband with the same problem, over the years a noticed him distant and not interest in sex with me. One day I found his lap top with 4000 or more movies. I never new that was the reason why he was so diferent. Now we are doing a lot better, He quit and promised not to do it again. I know this addiction is hard to give up, I dont know if I should trust him again or not.

To Devastated (re: husband's porn addiciton)
If you are still checking in to this, I want to reply. I have never
seen this site before. my husband bookmarked it some time
ago.

There are many kinds of domestic abuse and what your husband
is doing is one of them. Porn scares the hell out of me, not
because I am a prude. I love sex. But porn changes people...it
objectifies sexual intimacy.

I watched my husband change, grow distant and turn our sex
life into some kind of voyeuristic bullshit. I hated it. Tried to talk
to him, to reach him, to no avail.Finally he felt like he was living
unwillingly in a 'celibate marriage' (why he bookmarked this site)

The truth was that he and his addiciton created a really
unhealthy situation between us and my fear of being intimate
with him was the result. It was too emotionally painful...I knew
I'd have to leave this stranger if he didn't change.

Your husband needs help. If your marriage means anything to
him, he'll get help for his addiction. If not, he'll get worse and
you'll become more unhappy, Sounds like your husband drew
you into it at first and is punishing you because you don't want
to play his way anymore.

The worst thing is it makes you feel like there's something
wrong with you, some deficit in you, whatever. ITS NOT ABOUT
YOU. ITS ABOUT HIS ADDICTION TO NON INTIMATE SEX. maybe
he has a fear of real intimacy---in any case he needs to get
counseling to figure it out.

But if he doesn't think its a problem it's hopeless. His sexual
behavior is hostile to you and your marriage. You sound so
miserable. I hope you'll find the emotional strength to set your
limits and throw him out if it comes to that. Don't waste your life
on unnecessary unhappiness and conflict. Just how much
unhappiness is he worth?

A couple of great books: "Meditations for Women Who Love Too
Much" and "Women Who Love Too Much." Both are still in print.
They helped me a lot, maybe they will help you. Life is short.

Greetings, I am seeking advice regarding the porn addiction that my husband has. I would like to give you a brief background first. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and 1 month as of June 5th. We have a lot of things in common. Anyway I came from a broken and abusive home. When I met my husband he offered me a place to stay and we ended up falling in love and getting married.

He has always enjoyed porn and that was fine it was casual here and there. As the years progressed his habits became more regular he would often stay up after I would go to bed and masturbate across the room at his porn (out computers were in the same room). And when they weren’t I would often get up in the morning to him doing it. Now it has come to every time I leave the house he will do his thing. A year ago he was involved in a car accident at work and has a pinched nerve in his neck. He refuses to have sex with me. He says that his neck hurts and that having sex hurts him, but yet he can masturbate all the time? To make things worse I had to give up listening to my music to get him to stop looking at porn with me in the house. The type of porn he looks at is very skinny women, with perfect breast and a special labia not of that I have or could ever have. I have tired telling him how it makes me feel ‘his reply get over it’

He takes no pride in himself, I have to clean up after him, and he does stuff to irritate me. He can’t get up and get anything for himself, always ask me to get him crap.

Am I being selfish? Am I asking to much? Is divorce the right way to go?

I am so fed up I could scream! I need advice

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