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| By Anonymous on Thursday, May 3, 2007 - 02:49 pm: |
When i met Tharini,i had politely said,we both can not marry.I did not like her in any way,or not even saw her as prospective partner.I was simply not interested.But tharini had persisted with me for some more time asking the same question.I could have easily said i dont like her and finished it.But since i am a brother to my own sisters,i know how it feels to be told no.So i treated her as i want my sisters to be treated.So i decided to tell her my secret plan for my life which i had not shared even with my buddies.I said it just not to hurt tharini,so that she wont feel rejected.
My sister is a monk.I wanted to be a monk.I was Soft. Engg in Motorola.I wanted to earn some good sum for parents and resign the job.And then take up the spiritual life.
I said this to tharini.I hoped that she understood and the story ended.But it did not.She kept calling on my number.Kept asking me to meet her.Kept asking me to take her to movies.Kept asking her to marry her.Kept asking me to stop planning spi life.
But i behaved patiently.I tried to talk and make her understand that there are plenty of guys even better qualified than me who are looking to get married.I asked her to approach them.I asked her that i can b her friend or brother.But she persisted.
Then i started scolding her to persist with me.I even said i have made my mother cry because i wanted to lead spi life,so it is wrong for me to talk to a girl like this.I even said "I loose a piece of my soul every time i talk to you,Dont bring me down,i have not prepared for any other life,if i miss this,i would be no where".But she persisted.
She had no hesitation in getting physical with me.She was always interested and excited about physical relationship.
And the time for me to leave the company came(which i planned six months prior)and i left job and went the place i wanted to go.But there was a huge HUNGAMA,as my parents came there(they never wanted me to go there as i was single son).For unavoidablereason i came back.
After coming back,i did not get job.I prepared for GRE and TOEFL and i got admission to an University in US to do my masters.In the mean time torture from her had peaked.She thought as i came back i was planning to marry(which i was not).She was even more aggressive.But i was shattered inside.My mind had spoiled.I was alerady lost man.
I went US to join to give it a try.But inside,my mind was telling me,this is not what i wanted to do.And my mind also had been very badly affected.I thought it is better to pursue what u like,no matter how difficult it is.I came back from US without joining college.I decided to join ashram.
I could not go back to the same ashram which i had been once,because i have come back from there.They wont allow me again.In the mean time swamiji,under whom my sis is monk had seen my plight.He knows all our family members from past 15 years.He asked me to come and join that ashram.All the talks were over.I was about to join the ashram.
Once i had told to tharini to meet the swamiji long back.Because he is extremly devine person.You might have seen him in TV.I thought she might learn some thing from the swamiji to lead her life better.I had even given her some good books to read.What did Tharini do?
She went straight to swamiji,told to swamiji that i am troubling her even after marriage.And that i send SMS and calls her regularly even after marriage.He is a bad guy.
Infact,she wanted to marry me even after getting married to srikanth.She had once brought her husband saying that she loves me and wanted her husband to get us married.I asked them to go home.She was calling me after the marriage and asking me to come to bangalore.When i had been to US,her husband had mailed me saying how badly she is missing me.And later when i came back,he said,tharini had asked him to mail in that way.She calls her husband pyade and boring.
Swamiji immediately called me and asked me for explanation.I explained everything for about 2 hours.But the fact that i was involved with a girl in anyway is enough reason for swamiji to ask me out of ashram.So i am on the streets today.
One,she damaged my mind by getting physical with me.I will have to live with this damaged mind as i dont have any plans of getting married.Second,she made swamiji to kick me out of ashram.Third,if i talk to her,she says she has not done any mistake.
I really can not digest this cheating.Everyday i am thinking of ways of killing myself.I approached prof counsellors.It did not help.My heart rips when i see my parents and my younger sister who is yet to get married who are totally dependent on me.
I dont know what to do.Anyone giving any suggestion is welcome.
| By Anonymous on Saturday, April 28, 2007 - 09:12 pm: |
Jeff, who wrote this:
After 1.5 yrs of marriage I found out my wife was having an affair. She ended it immediately and we went to marriage counseling for 6 months. We put all our cards on the table in counseling and decided to make another 'go' at it. 2 daughters and 11 years later I find her at it again. Being distraught I enter counseling; she appears to have no interest in any counseling. In the following weeks I discovered she had somewhere between 7-9 partners over the years including my best friend/best man and my sister's husband. Don't make my mistake - once a cheater always a cheater. As she said, "each time got a little easier." As it turned out there were multiple affairs prior to the ‘first’ counseling period. If she had been truthful at that point we could have ended the marriage after just 1.5 years. If your wife is screwing around then you have spent those agonizing nights wondering where she is - only to hear some bullshit excuse that you want to believe despite overwhelming evidence against it. Grow a backbone and call a lawyer - even if you end up settling out of court the lawyer will have good advice. Your marriage is a sham and you need to deal with it or you will die a little everyday.
I don't mean to pry, but I need for you to email me. I have the same problem with my soon to be ex husband. I know that this is an old post, but my husband has been cheating on me in pretty much the same situation as yours. How did you deal with it and did your wife love you at all? He always told me he did, but that he was a sex addict. Was your ex-wife a sex addict and do have any expertise on sex addiction?
| By Anonymous on Friday, September 29, 2006 - 01:43 pm: |
I found a condom receipt from 3 years ago when my husband was in Korea. It was an unaccompanied tour so he was over there for a year with out me. He says he didn't use the condom but he thought about it. He says he was going to club/strip club and brought it just in case he needed it.
I don't believe him and it really hurts that first he brought the condom and second that when confronted he's lying. I just don't know what to do.
If he did it one time how many more just in cases has there been? Can I ever get him to be honest with me about what he did? How do I deal with the lies? Should I hurt him the way he has hurt me?
| By Anonymous on Wednesday, June 28, 2006 - 04:54 pm: |
I'm 44 and been married 26 yrs,9 months ago I had an affair with someone I met on the internet. My husband found out and I ended the affair. When he found out he told me that he use to go to hookers for about 15 yrs of our marriage. He had a really hard time dealing with the fact that I cared for another man and had sex because theres no feelings having sex with a hooker. I have no sympathy for him because he cheating on me and mine was only 4 months. He said he cant get over the fact that I can just email the other guy and start seeing him agin. I dont think he will ever get over it.
| By Anonymous on Monday, June 26, 2006 - 09:26 pm: |
I am in distress. I have a girlfriend who I have been with for three years. When we became boyfriend and girlfriend we started having sex 7 moths after. She was a virgin and wanted to marry me. I said to her that I don't believe in marriage that we could be like this. She did not say anything but continue asking me a few times during the 3 years if we would get married. I said no.
Recently she moved to another state and we continued talking on the phone as we alsways had- as boyfriend and girlfriend. But when she arrived to her place where she was going to stay for twoo years, she met some men. She told me that they helped her to carry her luggage. She continued seeing them and talking to them for a week after she met them- I knew but she never told me.I told her that I wanted to see her in her new place and she said that it would not be agood idea. I asked why and she said that she had been seeing somebody. I told her why did not she tell me and she said she did not know.
I asked how it happened ans she told me that it happened one night when she and these people started drinking together- she only had drank with me and nobody else. She said that she got drunk and that he took her to the doors of her room and started kissing. She said she never slept with him- I was her first sexual partner. She told me that she did it because with me she would not have a marriage and so she saw him as an opportunity for a family.
I decided to marriage her because I truly love her but sometimes I think that she may see him or somebody else again.
I am torturing my self when she does not call me because I think she is seeing somebody else.
What can I do? Can she be faithful again? Should I trust her? I
I need help. Can anyu body help me? Tahnk you so much
| By Anonymous on Wednesday, November 9, 2005 - 04:58 pm: |
I am very confused with myself and am hoping that someone can help me. I met my wife 5 years ago - we had an instant extreme attraction, but she was married. We lived 2500 miles apart and exhanged e-mail addresses. We spoke over the next week on the phone and I learned of her very bad marriage. She had been married for 7 years and he was never home - she had asked him to go to therapy and he declined on may occasions. We felt an instant attraction and she convinced me that she was at the end of her marriage and that she was as excited about our prospects as I - we flew somewhere and met the next weekend. The first thing she said when we met was that she felt it necessary to tell me that she had had an affair before - for 5 years. It was with a married man and very serious - although they never wanted their marriages to end for each other - it was fulfilling a different need. She stopped this affair five months before meeting me and has since said that she does not know if it would have re-started or if she would have gotten her divorce when she did if she had not met me when she did - I made her realize what she really wanted. She got divorced only months after we met - Since then, we got married, have had a beautiful baby, and have a fantastic relationship (although the seemingly normal lack of sexual contact has happened - and this is where my problem started). She became a mom, and we stopped having the intimate passionate experiences that we once did - the lack of understanding about how such a sexual person could stop having sex brought back all of the feelings (although hypocrtical) about how she had an affair - a very sexual one for so long. That she was morally OK with this at the time, and that now she was not having that same kind of sex with me - it has ruined me. I do not think she is being AT ALL unfaithful, and I know that she loves me - but I cannot get this bad thought of WHY she had an affair, and that she was so sexual with this guy (like she once was with me) and that she no longer is. It makes me worry... should I? This affair was not even when I knew her - I was not he man that she was cheating on... is there a likelihood that she will do this to me?
| By Confused on Monday, September 19, 2005 - 08:06 am: |
My wife and I have been married for 18 years and have beautiful daughter 11 years old. I am 40, she is 39.
About a month ago I found her diaries and learned that she has been cheating on me for the past 5 years with 3 different men, that she was also hitting on my cousin but he refused her. Only then I realized why my attempts to revive our relationships could not succeed - she was having one unhappy affair after another and I was unknowingly on the middle of it.
I could not believe to what I was reading and my life turned to hell. I decided to follow my wife to prove myself I am wrong, but instead I caught her in hotel with her lover.
I confronted her and her first reaction was - how could I read her diaries, second - even if we stay married I will dump her in 6-7 years after our daughter grows up. Only few days later she decided to ask me to give her a chance to save marriage
To complicate thing even more recently my wife became a best friend of his (#3) wife and now demands from me total secrecy so she can continue this new friendship.
And scary part - I am willing to do that in exchange to protect our daughter feelings as I come from a broken house too and would like to save a family for my daughter.
BUT I am outraged, fill betrayed. Do not think I could ever trust her again and absolutely do not know what to do now.
The only thing I know - I can not it let it go unnoticed and simply forgive her.
| By Anonymous (69.132.220.2) on Saturday, April 30, 2005 - 01:46 am: |
I understand the following question may cause a bit of emotion, but are there women out there who choose to date married men? There are quite a bit of women who would rather hurt than be hurt, and I would like to hear from them. I don't understand how the act is justifiable, but the discussion came up among my coworkers and I. Any comments? You will be anonymous, so the utmost truth will be appreciated.
| By Etta on Tuesday, February 22, 2005 - 12:55 am: |
Husband keeps talking to other women but he says its just business
I caught my husband cheating on me in 2001. He called himself producing this singer lady. I walked by the bathroom and he was on the phone I heard him speak to her in a tender soft-spoken voice that had extreme care and concern a tone of voice that he never used with me. He asked her what time are you getting off of work so I can meet you. My heart dropped. I question him and he said I was hearing things. So I went out and bought a tape recorder and began taping all of his conversations, which added up to be almost 4 and half hours a day. One day she asked him to come over and bring him some cigarettes and she needed some money too. It so happens that he told her I was gone in the car. One day they were talking and she asked for nukie and he moaned and then caught himself and changed the subject she said what’s wrong your wife there he said yeah.
I played the tape back to him and he would not listen to it all. He through it down and became so angry that I never seen him get that angry before. Mean while he keeps telling me this was business he had to talk to her about their music business together. He would not admit that he had done wrong and until this day he still says he did nothing and that I don’t have any evidence.
I told him that Ray Charles could see that he was cheating. Now present day he has a cell phone and makes sure that I don’t answer it and he even sleeps with it under his pillow and earpiece in his ear. He slipped and left it out and I listen to his messages and a woman said she missed him and she would see him tomorrow and go head and have a wet dream about her. I put the earpiece to his ear while he was asleep and his eyes bucked and he had this look of fright on his face. Then said I don’t know who that was and that people call his phone all the time. I said it really seems strange that they are all women that leave messages and I have not heard one man leave a voicemail that he did not know. He is a driver instructor now and says that all the instructors give their students their cell numbers.
I have no one to talk to about this and he keeps some women or girl that he talks to privately all the time and says that they have some business relationship. Please I have no one to talk to about this. I would appreciate any all feedback I am making plans to either cheat too or leave.
Well you already know it very well.
There is no point in proving, chasing or confronting. Most people who cheat obviously do deny it.
You can discuss with him without engaging in fight or painful silence clearly what he wants and communicate him your displeasure.
Thats it. Your cheating wont be a revenge to him nor anyone will benefit. If he can not keep it up and you can not accept his conduct, tell him to end the marriage. WHY to keep the farce going on.
editor
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, February 15, 2005 - 11:53 pm: |
My wife and I have been together for 3 years. We started our relationship right after her break up from her ex-a relationship that I very naively assumed she was completely over. My wife has been very good to me, we have what I consider a great relationship and she tells me often that I am her soulmate. A couple of months ago, her ex began emailing her. My wife told me about it, and I stupidly told her that I trusted her and didn't mind if she had contact with him. Well, a few weeks ago my curiosity got the best of me and I did something unethical but revealing-I checked her email and read their messages. Needless to say I was shocked. They hadn't actually met, although he was constantly trying. In addition, they were flirting sexually back and forth (not graphic, but not innocent either). In addition, my wife wrote an email, (unsent and saved as a draft) that stated she was thinking about this man constantly and that she would love to have sex with him. She even posed the question "how can you still have a hold of my heart after so long"? Again, she didn't send this email but she obviously felt it.
I confronted my wife about this and she was horrified. She immediately emailed her ex and cut off all coorespondence. She apologized profously, and pledged her life long love to me. She said that emailing him had tiggered something in her past and she got carried away. I am having a very difficult time forgiving her. Even though she didn't actually meet with him, and in fact turned him down, she wanted to. This is going to ruin what I still belive can be a wonderful relationship if I don't deal with my hurt feelings. Please help
Well well. You may have gone overboard.
You can read her emails and confront but how about her thoughts? Nobody can control other persons thoughts. Thats what really matters.
In order to make her feel for you, instead of her past, give her some space, appreciate her more and forgive her for this flirting. You are quite lucky that she has not crossed the line and apologized. There are many who simply run away.
Please forgive her and instead of doubting her trust her and give her your support and love. You will get it back.
editor
| By nowhere on Monday, December 13, 2004 - 09:07 am: |
jenny, he is telling that just to findout the truth,if u tell him, he will be angry and tell u,u were hiding that from him for long,so there is no chance trust u anymore.
i can only say, happy divorcing.coz u dug your own grave.
Best of luck.
| By jennys on Sunday, December 12, 2004 - 09:20 am: |
hi, ive been married for a year now and am very in love with my husband. one time while he was out of town i got together whith some friends and we decided to play spin the bottle and i gave a tap kiss to a guy that was there, i told him and although he was upset he forgave me. a few months ago i became friends with one of my husbands distannt relative. i felt attracted to him and with out realizing what i was doing slept with him,unfortunetly his family found out and is now preasuring him to get leave me, although he doesnt beileive them he still doesnt trust me and i decided to tell him him that we had just kissed but have denied sleeping with him. he tells me that if i tell him the truth he will try to forgive and trust me. should i tell him everything that happened?
| By Anonymous on Monday, November 1, 2004 - 06:06 pm: |
my husband and i have been separated for about 5 months now and he took his son with him that i helped him raise since he was 2 months old now he wants to bring his son back what should I do?
| By Anonymous on Thursday, October 28, 2004 - 05:02 pm: |
my husband and i are separated and we have so much to fix before getting together but during this process he has been involved and he isnt able to satisfy my needs when we get together, i love him and miss him but i miss being held and kissed and caressed to the point im interested in someone and want to have relations with this person what should i do
| By Auggy on Wednesday, October 27, 2004 - 01:44 am: |
I need someone else's opinion.
I don't know if I'm being ridiculously trusting and naive or plain blind.
This will be very very long. You're a real trooper if you get through it and forgive me if I repeat myself.
I'm trying to decide if I should I should stick it out with my wife. I have told her I want to work on us, but in all truthfullness I'm not sure. . . . There are definite reservations, but I'm giving her and us a chance. One more chance. I figure more than anything our kids (4 kids age three and under) deserve this and maybe even my wife deserves this. I married her and made vows and one of those is ''in sickness and in health.'' I want her to be healthy. So I will give her the chance.
Now, the biggest thing that has made this last week so very difficult is getting over the feeling she has slept with somebody else. I'm not a jealous type and I do believe you can only accuse if you have specific, unequivocal proof. There are some things that have not been right with her of late and the biggest event was roughly about a month or so ago when she went down to the town she's originally from (40 minutes from where we currently live) and spent the night. It was a Saturday night and there was a Blues Festival going on and in the college town such as where she's from there are a lot of bars. And she used to frequent those often when she lived there and she most certainly had a very wild reputation. She is a very attractive blonde and had (and probably has) her fair share of admirers. One time (why she ever told me this I don't know and some things you just need to keep to yourself) she was actually caught screwing in the basement of one of the bars -- the only time by the way she messed around with that particular guy. . . . . I'm very liberal in my beliefs and I don't believe in keeping strict tabs on a person or a tight leash. I believe that though you're in a marriage and you do so many things as a couple, that once-in-a-while you need breathing space and it is important to do stuff out on your own as an individual. There needs to be complete trust. What is a relationship if there is no trust after all? For my wife, whether that is a girls night out or just spending the day going out and about shopping, is more than cool with me. It's needed. Hell, I do the same thing now and then whether it is going to a sporting event or out for drinks with friends. It's called Balance!! . . . .
Things have gotten a lot worse between her and me since we moved to a new home and shortly before that move is when she started working in the same department I'm in at my job. We have opposite schedules so we're not there at the same time. Many things have come to light with her just since then and for a couple of years I've caught her in many lies, especially regarding finances. My lackadaisicalness and wholly trusting of her only exacerbated the situation. She took full advantage of that. Finally I started questionning, but it took me a long time. Things just didn't make sense and did not jive together right. Then I got artful in my questionning and her statements and excuses were just not truthful. She has admitted to these lies. I've found out too that over the past couple of years she has blamed our deplorable financial situation on me. Holy Crap! It takes two to tango and I have been lax in being tight-fisted in this area, so yeah, some of it is my fault. But, it is her who has the spending problem and maxed out cards and lied about purchases. . . Suffice to say right now we're in horrible financial straits.
What set me off last week was an E-mail to somebody in the computer IT Department of where I work. She asked this girl what two guys names are in her department. That didn't and still does not make any sense why she would want to know that. My wife told me these two guys check her out in the mornings when she goes to the cafeteria to get breakfast. They ogle her like school boys and she says they're in their 50s and not even attactive. The girl in the IT Department told me my wife wanted to know their names just to surprise them that she knew who they were. . . . . Now there was a a good looking that used to check me out all the time. It was very obvious that she was interested as other workmates including women thought so. But, I was married and though flattered with her attentions would never approach her or try to find out who she was and what floor she worked on. That is not cool. I'm married and part of getting married was leaving that stuff behind. . . . Now why the Hell would my wife try to find out more about these guys that check her out and are obviously infatuated with her? She now tells me it was just a ''stupid thing'' she did and did not mean anything by it. . . . Well, maybe. . . .
About Midnight a couple nights ago I roused her out of sleep and brought her downstairs. I told her simply that I didn't trust her anymore and did not know why she does the things she does. That there were things that were particularly bothering me the last couple of months. . . . Now she has no idea how much a mutual work mate tells me about the shenanigans my wife does at work. My wife has not made a good impression on the people at my office (a rather close knit nosey group). In fact a couple of times she's gotten in a bit of trouble. . . . My workmate also tells me how much she talks about other guys. Now we all notice other people that are good looking and there is nothing wrong with that. But, there's a difference between just seeing someone we think is ''Hot'' and then doing something about making contact. That E-Mail to the girl in my IT Department really pissed me off! I still don't see a justified reason for that. Why? What would be the reason to make that kind of enquiry? You tell me. . . . My workmate who tells me everything whom I trust should probably not tell me as much as she does and I've asked her to lay off that. It's not healthy. I trust her and I know she feels mightily for my situation, but that is not helping. As much as she and I are good friends, still I've always been aware of her penchant for gossip and negative attitude. So have to take that into regard. And she has been great for a long time now in listening to my problems with my wife. So here she sees my wife everyday and knows what she has been up to with me in our marriage. But, it's not healthy for my workmate to tell me every little thing my wife does that is skewed and messed up during the day no matter how much she thinks it's helping me. That is overload for me to a degree. . . . And I'll tell you what, my workmate doesn't believe a thing my wife is saying and telling me over the past week.
One last thing I'll tell you that I found out from my workmate because it is somewhat pertinent to this past week. My wife has a large picture of our daugher, our oldest who is 3, on her desk. Do you know that behind that photo are two photographs of her and her former boyfriend. He was the one she was seeing right before we got together and they were together for about three years. He is a year older than me (38) and six years older than my wife and owns a lucrative business in her hometown. My workmate found out because my wife was talking about him. She actually pulled out those pictures and showed her to let her know how ''good looking'' he is and that he is a millionaire. . . . What do you think about that crap?!
We've been married for five years and my wife has given birth to the three-year old daughter, a two-year old son and twins born in February. I've an intensely supportive father and watch the kids all the time -- Monday through Friday I watch them exclusively during the day. I've always done midnight feedings and changed as many diapers as my wife. I believe I should help and do more than most men I know.
Going back about a month-and-a-half to that Saturday at the festival in her home town: And I'll tell you there is still something gnawing in my gut about that even after all the talking that my wife and I have done in the last week and the fact we're going to try hard to work on us. . . . Sorry, I'm trying not to skip around too awful much.
There were several things I found very disquieting about her trip. . . . She had planned for a little while on attending the festival with a good friend of her's. I've met her friend a couple of times and I like her. My wife was originally going down and coming back that night. Then early in the week she told me she was staying overnight at her friend's. I did not have a problem with that as I figured it would be a nice break for her and we all need that nice break and time to really relax. Hell! I need it myself! . . . . About 3 o'clock in the afternoon or so on that Saturday after I'd come home from work she left for the festival. . . . Here were the small collection of things I found very odd:
* She never stopped by to visit her parents. She always does and she did not take 5 minutes to drop by and say ''Hello.'' Her parents are not two minutes from downtown where the festival was being held and her friend's house.
* She never called me when she got to her home town or even a little after she would have arrived. She always calls me to let me know she made the drive safely.
* She got home right at Noon the next day, which was fine as that is the time she was supposed to be home as then I was going to be doing some tasks around the house. . . But, she never stopped at the Indian Reservation off the Interstate for gas or for a carton of cigarettes. She always stops by for the lower-priced gas and we'ed talked about her stopping for a carton. That was strange and very unlike her.
Over time I would think about the above more and more and bothered me more and more.
Something my work mate told me the following Monday after her Saturday in her home town. . . . My wife said to her a handful of times that I would be upset that she saw this one guy while out and about at the festival. She knows I'd be upset for the simple fact this guy is no God Damned good! He's a freaking louse and very very unscrupulous. He is a town cop and he and my wife had an on-again, off-again relationship for a time in the 90s. My wife was in a bad relationship with a guy she was engaged to. He was a very unbalanced fellow and getting more and more abusive as time went by. This cop guy, who was married, started paying a lot of attention to my wife and she started confiding in him about the problems in her relationship with the obsessive fiance. With the cop's rather selfish aims he convinced her to get up the nerve to leave him and apparently the cop stopped by his place and laid down the law that he was to stay away from his former fiance or else. . . . Now this cop, who is now in his early 40s, is a real wild one and a real loose cannon. Kind of crazy I guess and that is a real nice combination with being a police officer, huh? She messed around with him when he was still married. She said it was a short-lived relationship, but he's always been obsessed with her and kept and still keeps tabs on her. . . . My wife and the guy (the owner of the business in her hometown and the one she had the photos of) she was seeing before we got married broke up for a month in about 1998 or so and my wife had a one-night stand with the cop. She saw the tumble in the hay with this guy as retribution as she said her boyfriend had been fooling around on her with an old girlfriend. Then her and he got back together. . . .But, still, this cop has been obsessed with her.
Without letting my wife know that my workmate had said anything to me I artfully beat around the bush and she blurted out this cop is now living in the same town we're in. I said to her, ''Did you see him during the festival.'' She said yes, but it was only for a second and he didn't recognize her. Well, that is BS and I told her so. She then admitted they talked for a few minutes in one of the bars as she was on her way out and that he was really drunk. . . . I know my wife well enough at least and how obsessive this guys is and do not believe she stood there for a minute or two and just shot the breeze and then high-tailed it from the bar.
O.K., so there is the cop part of it.
I was so livid angry with her last week. I told her that I believed something went on down in her home town during the festival. That she was with somebody else. That her actions (which are the ones above) that night were very unlike her. . . . I said to her a handful of times: ''Did anything happen? Were you with somebody else?'' Now for one thing this was really taking her aback because she knows I'm not a jealous type. It was all from actions that did not make any sense. She said nothing happened. . . . I remember looking down at the floor for a long time and then up at her and saying: ''I don't believe you. You've lied so much in that past. I want to believe you, but I just can't.'' . . . . There was just a huge ball of doubt in my gut, and you know what: I'd be lying to you if I said it was absolutely no longer there now. There is still something, a not-right feeling in my gut and it's bothering me. But, Hell! I'm trying so hard to believe to work on us. . .
My anger was still very much there when she left for work the next morning. I talked with her on the phone once. I then sent her a pretty direct E-mail from home to her work E-mail. It was pretty pointed that she needed to level with me no matter how much it hurt me. On the phone later in the day she told me we needed to talk after I got home from work. I called my Mom and she was able to come over and watch the kids so I could come into work early. I called my wife and told her I would be into work early and that we could talk in the car when she finished work and I did not have to go on technically for another half hour after that.
I was pretty nervous as we walked down to the car.
When we got in I said ''go ahead.'' She told me that she saw the guy she was seeing for three years before her and I got together. She saw and talked with him in a bar and that they kissed and that he wanted to go to bed with her, but she told him no and that was it. . . . I got very very very roused angry. I almost ripped my ring off and threw it at her. I called her ''God Damn Bitch'' (Which for me is pretty radical as I've never called her a bad name before and came bursting out of me). I openned the door to the car and she said to come back inside, for in my E-mail I said all she had to do was level with me and we'ed work on things. Well, in the heat of things, that turned out being the last thing on my mind! Standing by the car with the door open, I said: ''We're through! We're done! We'll have to be fair to each other where the kids are concerned. The least amount of disruption in their lives is the utmost, ultra important thing! I'm done with you.'' . . . I slammed the door and walked back into the office.
I kept my cool as best as possible, but people in the office are used to me being very light hearted and gregarious. People kept a very wide berth of me. They could tell something was so not right. My workmate friend, who had left earlier in the day. told me later on that people told her they could see in my face and demeanor I was bristling and the silence was, for lack of a better description: very loud.
When I got back to my desk I looked up the number for the business her former boyfriend owns and gave him a call. I met him once when my wife was going with him as they came into restaurant where I was working at the time. . . . He answered the phone. I told him it was me and asked him what happened on that Saturday of the Blues Festival. He said he didn't know what I was talking about (he did actually seem confused) and I asked him again twice. I asked him if he saw my wife that night and he said ''Yes.'' I asked him where he saw her. He said that she stopped by the store to say ''Hello'' to him. Hmm? I then said, well she told me you were kissing in a bar and that you wanted to sleep with her and she said No. He said that was not true. I asked him how long she was at the store. He said about 10 minutes. He talked with her and did give her a kiss, but one that you would give to a friend and that was it. I said to him, ''Look I'm going to ask this one more time: Did you sleep with her?'' He said no. Even though I told him I would only ask once, I did ask him two or three more times and after the fourth time he said, ''Dude, stop grilling me.'' . . . I said, Look I don't get it. She told me you kissed in a bar. He absolutely denied it. . . . It was a strange conversation also, because a couple of times he started going into commercial problems with his business (my wife is his agent) and that he left a message for her but hadn't heard from her. . . . I told him, man I don't know about your insurance and that is not what this call is about. . . . Well, I told him I want to believe him, but I don't know what the God Damn truth is and who is lying about what.
My wife called me a short time later from her cell phone. She pulled over at the corner of the street to our house. . . I told her I spoke with her former boyfriend and he denied all of it. Said that she had gone to see him at his place of business and that he said he never was in any bar on the night of the festival. . . . She then told me she lied about that. That nothing happened at all with anybody and she figured I wouldn't believe her no matter what and that she made up that kissing in a bar with with her ex. That that was something not too bad and her and I could work through something like that.
I was floored. What do I believe!!!!
I told her that I knew about the pictures of her and her ex behind our daughter's picture on her desk. ''What the Hell are those doing there?'' . . . She told me that when she pulled out that frame to use, that it was an old frame, she had those pictures of her and her former boyfriend. When she found them she did not want to throw those away at the house for fear I would see them in the trash and question her why she still had pictures (Yeah right? I don't get that -- Why would I be going through the trash at our house anyway? Am I some kind of garbage picker? If she cut them up into little pieces, for example, how would I ever know?). . . . I then asked why she didn't throw them away at the office? She said she forgot. I then asked, ''Have you shown them to anybody at the agency?'' . . . No here is where she had to be careful because she had shown them to my workmate and it was too easy for it to get back to me. . . . She said she did show them to my workmate. I asked why she didn't get rid of them. Once again it was some foggy answer that I might see them in her trash at the office and question it (What? I don't go through trash at home or the office).
I hung up the phone.
I came home early, about 8:30 or so. I was really worn out. Really drained and so God Damn confused. I want to believe her. . . . We went to bed and were pretty deep about making up and me saying that I believe her. Not to lie to me anymore and such. . .
The next day (Saturday morning) at the office there were a lot of things on my mind. It was busy here and tough to concentrate on work. . . . In fact for the last bunch of months my work has really suffered. I can't have myself getting fired. My workmate and another close friend have noticed my lack of productivity and that sorry messy state of my desk and know that it isn't like me and there is something wrong. My other friend actually called me out of the blue on Saturday and told me that any help I need to let him know. That is very cool.
Well. . .
I came home on Saturday afternoon. My wife and I sat at the kitchen table. I told her we need to talk once more. That she needed to be bare-bones honest with me. That she cannot lie to me anymore. ''Did you sleep with anybody in your home town on that Saturday night?'' She said ''No.'' She added that she would never do that to me. . . . I asked her if she'd been having an affair with anybody? She said ''No.''
She asked if we could start from scratch. . . .
I thought that was a funny statement. Why would we have to start from scratch?
Well, I told her I will accept her answers as the truth. But, I added that if I should find out only with real proof that she is lying we are done. Or if she lies to me about anything in the future I will end our relationship.
So that is where it is.
But, still don't feel right. Would you?
There is still something in my gut that doesn't sit well. I told her I would accept her answers and I'm trying really really hard. God! I'm really trying! . . . . Do you think I'm merely suppressing things or just pushing things out of the way? Am I just paranoid? Am I crazy? Is all circumstantial and just does not look good on the surface.
Don't you think her ex would have tried to call her right away to find out what the Hell I was talking about? He didn't. . . . I told my wife to call him to tell him why this happened and what she told me. . . . She said she left him a message. I know she keeps in fairly regular contact with him. . . Then she called him a about five days later after she originally told me the ''lie'' about kissing him and they talked. . . . Does it sound plausible he would let something go that long -- nearly a week before talking to her that her husband was calling him with such a horrid accusation? . . . . That makes me wonder. . . . Once again, am I just paranoid and crazy -- am I just looking to God Damn deep into things and making them skewed with so much focus and pondering?
You can probably tell I'm still very very conflicted.
I'm trying so hard to believe her. . . But there is that little gnawing still working away at me.
What do you think?
And then, what about this cop character? . . . Could it have been him she fooled around with and her ex is telling the truth because she wanted to mislead me away from the cop by making up a lie about her and ex?
Is she just plain and simple telling the truth now that nothing actually happened?
I will probably never ever know for sure. . . . Maybe it's just that I should for the health of our relationship here on out take my wife's word (which I have talked myself into even though there is that little prickling, gnawing in my gut). Keep my family together. . .
Afterall I've been pretty distant too for the last bunch of months and maybe the growing apart caused part of this? . . . . Hell, I don't know.
| By Anonymous on Monday, October 25, 2004 - 06:45 pm: |
HUSBAND AND I ARE GOING TO TALK WE HAVE BEEN SEPARATED FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS HE IS MOVING OUT OF A SITUATION HE WAS IN WITH A FEMALE TO HIS OWN APT IM NOT READY TO ASK HIM BACK HOME YET I MISS HIM AND LOVE HIM AND JUST WANT HIM TO KNOW THAT IM HERE FOR HIM I STILL FEEL HE IS GOING TO BE INVOLVED WITH THE YOUNG WOMAN EVEN THOUGH IM NOT GOING TO BRING THAT UP ONLY TIME WILL TELL
| By Anonymous on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 - 06:23 pm: |
How long does it take for a question to appear on the board? I submitted a question yesterday titled "so confused" and is still not there. Thank you
| By Nancy on Sunday, April 25, 2004 - 10:08 am: |
Pregnant. What should I do ??
To make a long story short I have cheated on my husband.
I love him very much but it happened.
The worse thing is that everytime I slept with my friend he removed my diaphragm. It is the real thing, he said.
And he asked when I was most fertile.
Never removed it for my husband.
Now I ´m pregnant and do not know what to do.
Should I tell my husband the affair or not ?
| By rudy3107 on Saturday, April 3, 2004 - 02:25 pm: |
Never trust a women, she will stab u on your back someday.
| By goober on Thursday, April 1, 2004 - 08:37 am: |
Buddy I know what you mean,my wife had an affair and fell in love with the guy,they stayed in touch for 10 years but she says that sex only happened once,ha,I will never believe that,she also says she can,t remember things when I try to talk to her, that she was only talking to him on the phone,yeh right,but she found time to have a one night stand with a guy but refused to have sex with the guy she was in love with,I did,nt just fall off the turnip truck,she will never fess up to the truth,funny I remember women I havd sex with 35 years ago,bvut nooooooo,she is losing her memory to hear her tell it.good luck on getting the truth out of her.women are sneaky.
| By Anna6 on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 02:44 am: |
I recently cheated on my boyfriend, he has agreed to forgive me and try to work things out, but I am still looking for advice.
Kyle and I have been friends for almost 2 years. Late last July we began dating and then he left the end of August for a 3 month tour (he’s in the Navy). We both agreed to “behave” ourselves while he was gone because we wanted to stay together, but I told him I wanted him to understand that I wouldn’t just be sitting at home on the weekends and I would probably go out with people while he was gone. He had no problem with this. During the first 1/3 of the time he was gone I went to a bar with a bunch of our friends and ended up having sex with one of his Navy friends. I didn’t tell Kyle while he was gone but I felt horrible and talked about it with our friends (‘cause they were aware of what had happened) and decided that I would tell him as soon as he got home.
During the three months Kyle was gone we became very close and have grown to care for each other a great deal. Once he got home one of his friends blurted out I had cheated on him before I got a chance to. Kyle says he forgave me as soon as he heard it, that it’s not the action itself he’s upset about, but that I had made him look bad in front of his friends. I want so badly to stay with Kyle and grow with him and he wants very badly to continue our relationship the way he had hoped we could while he was gone. He wants to make things work but says he is having a hard time sorting things out.
I am looking for advice on how to make this easier for us. I know time will heal, but sometimes I feel awkward around him because of my guilt. He has some friends that understand why he wants to give me another chance but others that think he is doing the wrong thing (ironically, it’s the ones that know me vs. the ones that don’t, respectively). I know it is hard for him to face everyone. I just don’t want to say or do anything to make it worse. Do I ever bring it up? Do I keep apologizing? If there is anyone out there that has been able to make things work after cheating, could you please help me out?
| By opinion on Tuesday, November 18, 2003 - 06:06 am: |
Mac,
It's possible actually. Recently, a woman in her mid-40s, is paying a lot of attention to my bf. She works with him, has three grown up kids and married. She also happens to be over-weight (sigh!). Maybe, she's too insecure that she's not getting enough attention from menfolk these days?
Well, these kinda married women who's looking forward to cheating, should be sent to middle-east, where they'd learn in a hard way on how women get treated by their husband. Another alternative option is to send them to Asia, where they will remain single forever, because NONE will want them there.
| By Mac on Thursday, October 9, 2003 - 02:30 am: |
Hello,
My first post of any kind, please guide me if I've left out any obvious info; thank you.
I strongly feel my wife had an affair with a coworker about 3 years ago. We've been married 17 years and 3 years ago a rumor started at work about my wife sleeping with a coworker. We both work for the same employer, but different shifts. I have always been level headed and usually think before I react. I am 38, she is 44 and she is very attractive and likes hearing it from others. I asked my wife point blank and she denies having one, but my gut feeling keeps saying, LOUDLY, something isn’t right and she’s holding back information. The following are my reasons my gut feeling won’t go away.
1)Rumored affair happened during a low point of our marriage, a point she admitted she almost left.2)She's over 40 (I don't mean to stereotype) and always complains about her looks and getting older 3) She has changed or been totally inconsistent about the events surrounding the rumors or she gets very mad and doesn't answer when I ask her specifics of the "rumored" affair 4) during the time of the rumors, she was seen many times with the coworker at breaks, lunches, out on the workroom floor, but never outside of work. 5) When I asked her point blank if she did, she got very angry and defensive, then only after did she unconvincingly say "NO" 6) She loves the attention of other men. 7) When I ponder on how we acted towards each other 3 years ago, she wasn't nice to me, often critical of me, belittling me, putting me down (granted, I was an a**hole too) 8) Nearly 20 years ago, when we met at work(same employer), she was living with a boyfriend of 6 years and slept with me before telling or leaving her boyfriend. 9) I asked her if she spent time with him at work, she said “no”. Then after I discovered she was often seen with him on the work floor, break and lunches, then when I asked her again, bringing to her attention what I was informed, she admitted to spending more time that usual with him, but only at work she stated. 10) When asked specific questions, she knowingly or purposely withholds information, then when I bring it to her attention, she get mad and says she doesn’t remember. There are many other red flags. But she has consistently “denied” an affair ever occurred.
Would it be possible to find out if she did have an affair 3 years ago? If so, how would I go about it?
I have no absolute proof, and she will not "confess", but I know in my heart she did stray and it's difficult to rid this feeling.
Trust being the foundation stone of any marriage if there is no trust between the two marriage dissolves naturally.
IF you have doubts remove them. If you live with doubts you wont live with her.
Life is too short to be worrying on past.
If you are sure that she is not fit for you for her secretive nature leave her.
However if you think you can coop with her secret life, and still live by accepting you can continue in marriage. This is a truth one has to accept. There is nothing you will achieve by KNOWING what she did or did not.
Even if she slept around, what can one do?
We can never change nature of a person.
If you can just forget and focus on TODAY and have fun, you can gravitate her towards you.
If you show no love she will try find that in another man. This is how it works sadly.
Editor