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| By Gustav on Monday, January 30, 2006 - 08:13 pm: |
Hi. My name is Gustav and I had written in about a week ago about the end of my common-law relationship of eight years, which broke down after I had gone through a very difficult time. I appreciate your response, it has helped me somewhat, and I thought I would like to talk a bit more.
It's hard to get everything out in the space of a short letter, but I was wondering about some other things as well. The fact is, I really love this woman, but I really did screw up totally. I wish there was some way to get her back, but I feel I've made so many, too many mistakes. I don't think we ever communicated very effectively, and I wish there had been more communication. Some of the things that I feel must have bothered her we never really communicated sufficiently about. I am trying to change, but I have a very hard time being away from her. I live in a different city from her now, I don't really want to stay here forever, and it could take a very long time before she will even talk with me again, but I still want her. I don't know what to do. I wonder if the mistakes I made in the past will always prevent her from taking me back, or if she would be willing to look at me for who I have become, and will become (I'm still working on myself). I want to remain positive and believe it could still happen, but what can I do if I know I won't see her for an extended period of time, that she doesn't want to talk to me, and we're in different geographical locations on top of everything.
I'm pretty sure I don't want to stay in this city anyway, for separate reasons. I am really here to gain experience in my field and then move on. I could wind up in the same city as her again, but I really don't know for sure. The other thing is, I don't have a strong support group in this city, or in the one in which I lived with her. If things get too weird, I can see myself moving from where I am now to my original hometown, where my father and brother still live, or to the West Indies, where my uncles and aunts are (I am very fond of them). Since my mother passed away, I have kind of sought out family in a new way - don't want to be totally alone in the world. Brand new friends are a bit scary because you never really know what you're getting into.
When I was in my relationship with my ex-spouse, I made a lot of mistakes and did some things of which I am not altogether proud. I felt we could have communicated more, but I guess that doesn't take away from the fact that I did the stupid things that I did. I swear I never meant any harm, never hurt her intentionally. I just screwed up and was immature to a certain degree. The fact is, my friends and family tell me that it's over, I should go my own way. I've told them about how it finally ended - after I had moved away, and she was contacting me by email and being friendly but that I became paranoid and got sort of pushy, saying that I thought we should stay together and work at what was left of our relationship instead of being away from each other (pretty stupid given that I was setting myself up in another city at the time - I'm still here.) She got very upset and cutt of contact - won't talk to me on the phone and has blocked my email - I feel like a real idiot.
The thing is, I spent eight years of my life with her and I wish I could somehow get her to come back. I screwed up, I never meant any harm and I'm trying to get my life together, and I just want to get there and for her to see me when I have changed and am available, as you put it in your response email last week. But if I'm so far away, how can I ever attract her back to my life, especially if I can't approach her since she won't talk to me?
Still confused Gustav
| By zareen on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 06:20 pm: |
hi friends,i got married on 28th of agust2005 that was nikkah and no rukhsti at that time and my marriage was totally arranged but unfortuanately he give me divorce because of some misunderstanding like they were status copncious n they give me many excuses that does not have any meanings. my ex husband told my eldor brother about me ,after talking on phone..that your sister is beautiful,nice but she is not up to my mark as i want bold girl i don need islamic girl .after his attitude i scared of marriage plz help me should i again got merried or continue my studies and face the world
Focus on your studies and your make your career. It is many times better that than waiting for a moron to abandon you.
This marriage that you talk about is not really any marriage but a sham arrangement that you must reject and get out of it. Thank this guy that he is upfront by telling you instead of wasting your life.
Go on and make your life. Do not listen to others. Take your own decisions.
editor
| By joe on Saturday, March 19, 2005 - 03:33 pm: |
this is joe again i really need help could somebody help me deal with this pain it feels like a hole in my chest. i also wake up in the night couse i dream about her everytime i go to sleep and i start to cry . please someone out there help me
| By joe on Saturday, March 19, 2005 - 12:12 am: |
well i was married for 8 years the first mistake was that im not a touchy feeling guy and my wife loves to be hugged and kissed. about 2 months ago she served me with the divorce papers.it was like getting slaped in the face i did not expected. now she lives about 220 miles away from me she said she fall out of love about a 1 year ago the bad part about it im still in love with her i tell her now but i think its to late she has my 3 boys i trying to get her back but it isnt working. i keep thinking that someone else is going to come into the her life and it scares me. since she became a realtor she is always on the run no time for my calls what should i do I LOVE HER WIHT ALL MY LIFE AND MY HEAR>
| By Patrick on Sunday, January 2, 2005 - 08:58 am: |
My wife and I had been married for three and a half years (we also dated for seven years). Two years ago the company with whom I had been working closed down and ever since it has been difficult finding decent work in my area.
This was the trigger of my downward spiral. I fell both into bouts of depression and alcoholism and found it difficult to a point to even walk outside my house. Of course, my wife was supportive but grew aggravated over time because I wasn't motivated in seeking the right help.
Over a month ago, I was served with divorce papers at a time when I had strapped in a seat belt on the wagon. However, she still wants to go through with it.
I have come to terms in accepting that I was the wrecking ball to our relationship; however she is the love of my life and I can't imagine the world without her. Should I try to save it or learn to cope?
| By nowhere on Monday, October 11, 2004 - 11:50 am: |
talaq talaq talaq
| By Anonymous on Sunday, October 10, 2004 - 09:56 pm: |
I wish to know how to divorce my wife, i wont go into details, but i wanna know the exact islamic way to divorce. Thank you
| By rudy3107 on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 - 10:54 am: |
anonymous,make him understand that he has to share his time with u also as his duty.1st try to findout why he dift away with pool and games.try to findout the reason,what he want why he is not with u,solution is.or u can join him with same games.best of luck.
| By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 03:49 am: |
Dear friends
I have a situation. I am 29 years old woman married to a 32 yr old man for 2 years. We both have no connection. He is constantly bored of me and indulges in pool, bowling or video games. I know that deep down he is a nice guy, but dont believe that he cares for me. I always feel alone and not cared for. He wants me to accept him the way he is. please help as I am considering a divorce
xz
| By Mark on Thursday, February 26, 2004 - 02:09 am: |
I've been with my girlfriend for 10 years (I'm 28) we recently got engaged with plans for marriage next year. I've always known that I'm sometimes hard to get along with as is she, we've always wound up fighting and breaking up/making up but lately it seems like its more bad then good. She is horrible at dealing with her problems and always winds up in a miserable state that drowns our relationship, no matter how hard I try to keep her happy she makes the smallest problem huge and saturates us in misery. she calls me insensative yada yada but the amount of time that she is unhappy over something is insane and would break anyone! she refuses to see its a problem and cant understand my point, instead tries to make me feel guilty saying that I need a perfect girl with no problems. Well today I broke up with her, I dont miss her yet b/c she doesnt give any reasons to miss lately, but I know this will be hard and just wish she could change.
Mark I commented on your post in the new thread that you created.
editor
| By catherine on Sunday, September 7, 2003 - 10:19 pm: |
when i go to my dads house for the weekend he doesnt spend anytime with me or my sister every since my s-mom came along he has changed his entire life for her but he wouldnt for me.he used to tell me when i was little that he didnt want me anymore. he was a really bad person.now he is in church he has been baptised and when they 1 st got maried we did everything 2 getther we went to the mall skating out to eat but b4 her when i was little he wouldnt even buy me diapers.what i am saying is basically all i do when i go over there now is clean.he is always up her butt,but while we are cleanig which is right when we get up they just sit there and watch t.v. i am tierd of them lieing to me and them trying to bribe me to move in with them so i want to know if i should not go anymore and see him and how old do i have to be plus how would i go about doing it?
thanks
Dear Catherine
I do understand your concern and your Dad's changed life.
You can and should understand his position as when we see from our point of view - we cant appreciate other people's conduct. For that you have to imagine being in his place.
Yes you may find it crude but he is only trying to make his new marriage work. Frankly it is hard to expect the same love that you got from your mother but if you just respect his decision and give him some time it will be good for all.
You can however talk to him one day or write him that you feel deprived of his love to you.
If you let him know that without getting upset it will be quite helpful.
What do you think?
Moderator
| By Anonymous on Wednesday, September 3, 2003 - 04:32 am: |
Dear All,
I am one of the sufferers of my wife. I am software professional. Got married to a ordinary girl. She is dark in color. I was looking for a normal housewife and not interested in physical beauty. We have one son (6 yrs). After few days, I found that she couldn’t understand very simple things in life! I sent her to her parents for few months. Her parents told me some reasons, like, she was not away from home for first time so , it happens. Some problems of her are – she can not understand whether shoes in my son is left or right, she can not understand dust in kitchen is to be cleaned, or house is dirty and so on..
I kept quite. Again after few months, I asked her parents about her “understanding” capacity. They told me to send her back to them and they will train her. Again same story is repeated.
Mean while I got new job in Mumbai. We shifted to Mumbai. Again I asked her parents about her behaviors. They suggested me to change my house as that house is not good. I changed my house.
After few days, I found that she started heating me. Talking dirty about me and my collogues. Told me that she want to sleep with one of my colleague!! She started shouting on me, coming out of house and crying loudly so neighbors can see her crying.
After detail analysis, I found that her parents were giving her some mental medicine. She has some incurable disease!!
Now, I need Divorce. But I cannot prove her as a mental disorder case.
In case of divorce, our great Indian law is in favors to Ladies. I want custody of my son, but I am afraid that, because of partial nature of Indian law, I may loose my son!!
So, I have to stay with this edit wife for my son!!
I would appreciate any help from experienced people!
Regards,
Shrirang
First of all you should know that a marriage means accepting of other person as IS. You should also look within yourself if you accepted her and helped her get over her problems.
You can actually help her to grow and with love make her your best friend.
However for your own negative attitude you are only creating negativity around yourself.
Of course you can go ahead and file a divorce on grounds of illness if it is true but thats not a what a man should do. If you are a man first do all your best to help her, like her and treat her as a friend. Once you take care and give her love as a friend not as a husband, she will respond and any illness of any kind can be fixed.
Give her a chance. If she continues to be in trouble you can mutually agree and file for a divorce. From your message it appears you never accepted her.
The problem may lie in yourself.
Even if you marry another time you may find the same flaws in other woman hence first deal with yourself, with herself as best as you can and soon all your problems should be resolved on their own.
Editor
| By Andrea on Wednesday, June 4, 2003 - 09:50 pm: |
Hello, my boyfriend and I have an issue at hand....It all starts with his morals on sex...I know this is very simple to figure out but once you live this, it's more difficult than you think. We have been going out for a month now but seeing each other for a while. Our big problem is that he has no problem achieving an erection when we aren't naked but once we are are he knows we are going to have sex, he loses it. He tells me that it has to do with his morals about sex...I understand that he would rather make love with someone that he knows that he loves, instead of just sex, numbing sex...We fool around but sometimes it get to the point where we are both ready, then, he loses it.. It's frustrating for both of us because we both want it but his brain keeps saying NO GO... Is there any info. or advice we both could have to be able to overcome this psychological thing or get a better undersanding?????feel free to email me....
| By Anonymous on Thursday, May 16, 2002 - 09:30 pm: |
Iam Shaheen i wrote earlier about my ex husband. I think the break down of our marriage was because of his feamale freind from uni. Iam angry and frustated. I have my family and my faith in my religion, but the thing is i need advise on how to get over this huge heatbreak. please help!
Dear Shaheen
We left a message for you on another msg you posted at HELP last chapter.
Religion or the whole world around is not the answer to all this.
This is an issue with you and a man.
He was there with you for a short time but he left and you can not help nor force. If you force and try all coercive methods it will only backfire.
Anyone who leaves us - goes vulunteerly and we cant do anything to get back as if even if that does get back it will not be the same.
The betrayal and treachery is the other name of this world.
You need not worry about that man anymore as he is with another woman and it will be meaningless to waste your life.
You can find another person of your choice and clearing to you that you are not the only person - it happens to a large no of people everyday.
This world is temporary like its relationships.
Be strong, lift yourself and go ahead.
You will definitely meet a much better and more loving man in coming future.
ed.
| By plady-5/15/2002 on Thursday, May 16, 2002 - 11:15 am: |
my husband and i have been married 19 years june 5 ,been together 22 years fed.14,2002. my mother was sick for 5years and past away jan.4,2002 and my fater past away jan.22,2002. and i lost my husband to a women in our office-buy the way she is 35 and my husband is 46. feb.22,2002. he allway told me he was happy,he aways went out of town for the last year and half on mondays and come back on tues,then it starting that he would come back on wednesday,he allway said the office could not run without him beening there to make money,but she is the office mrg. and she has a assisstant.come to fineout he said he was having and afair with her for 3 months when he came home to get his clothes,then it come out that if was just about 2 years ,and he still said he loves me and wonted his family back and did not wont a divorce,but i filed for divorce,in april,i told him i love him with all my heart,but he had to fire her and have no contact with her,and he said he could not,because she beg for her job,now if is may 15 and this is the firt time he has went back to the office,he said that he had to go fact her and see if he loved her to,and see what he wonted. and then he ask me should he stay in and not go and us not get a divorce,i said go you are all mess up- you need to go see wont you wont out of the rest of your life. i am still going through
with the divorce,what is this midlife crisis are what. i need some answers. he has lied to me since he has been back in our home office,he said he would not e-mail her or im her and i keep catching him in lied.we have 3 girls 32-24-16.
and 1 gradson and a granddaughter on the way.
| By A guy in Texas on Sunday, April 14, 2002 - 01:55 pm: |
This is my confession time of how I messed up in many ways in my marriage, although I wish my wife would forgive and we could go on. However, we've been divorced for over a year now, and she is still unwilling to reconcile.
I was married in 1992. I made a lot of mistakes at first. My first blunder was quiting a job that I didn't like not long after we were married. It was as a retail manager job at a low paying chain store. I was trained as a teacher (B.S. in history) so I wanted to get a teaching job instead. I got a part time teaching job and I got substitute teaching jobs to fill in on the other hours I wasn't teaching.
6 months after our wedding--Christmas 1992--I made the mistake of suggesting we go to Colorado to visit her dad (a Southern Baptist Pastor) and her mom. We stayed the week between Christmas and New Years (too long I now think). Towards the end of our stay her dad manipulated her to get her to go alone with him somewhere. When he got her alone he proceeded to give her the 3rd degree about how our marriage was going. He then told her about how unfair I was being to her since I was only teaching part-time and only substituting the rest of the time. When I met her after this incident she was very angry with me and blamed me for the fact that her dad approached her with these things. If I had been doing right he never would have had to confront her on how unfair I was being toward her. (He told me this later as well.)
I thought the Bible said we are to leave our parents and cleave to our spouse. Shouldn't a Baptist minister know this?
Our marriage struggled for the 8 years after that. I did struggle getting my carrier jump started. I admit that was a strain. I fully admit my big mistake was trying to stay with teaching, then thinking going to school to get my masters would help. Going to get more training only caused more bitterness. Her dad wrote me a letter last Christmas (2001) telling me that my education put too much pressure on her. Therefore, the divorce was my fault. He said to me I didn't understand what he and his wife were going through to see such pressure on their daughter. It was all about them.
In retrospect I wouldn't have gone to get my masters if I'd known it would have come to this. When I was done with my degree we moved to Texas so she could work on a Masters at Univ. of North Texas. I was teaching at a private Christian school (which again, paid very poorly but put a big work load on its teachers). I thought I was now helping her get her masters and get established in a career. She hired the Student Legal Advisor at North Texas to file divorce papers against me. She had me trespassed from coming on the North Texas campus so I couldn't attempt to contact her to ask her to reconcile. I made that mistake once, and although I'm not a violent person, it made me look like a tyrant. It was a stupid move. Nevertheless, I love my ex-wife (I don't like saying "ex" because I believe we made a covenant before God that is not supposed to be broken). Her entire family totally shunned me. I was not accused of abuse. I believe it came down to this. When a person says "for richer or for poorer" most people lie. I'm sad to admit that. We never starved. I didn't sit at home collecting welfare. I just didn't have very high paying jobs. She didn't feel secure enough. I feel like a failure because of all this. I feel an inch high every day. I had to leave the Christian school (I despise Fundamentalists!). I was told I would fit in better somewhere else. I suspect having been divorced had something to do with it even though it was not my choice. I'm applying at Public schools now.
I've sought reconciliation numerous times. But I don't know where my ex-wife is now. So there's nothing I can humanly do. I have a lot of religious convictions. A guy I worked with told me very cruelly that I must have made her miserable with all my religious convictions (I'm a conservative Presbyterian, but not a FUNDY). Her parents were liberal Baptists (there is a liberal side to the Souther Baptists). I think that might be why they didn't like me as well. Her mom would always criticise our church even though she'd only been to it a once or twice.
At this point I'm starting to ramble. All I want to say is I know I've made many mistakes--sinful mistakes--I want to do right. I want reconciliation. I pray for that. But I've got to get beyond this, and I struggle in finding out just how.
Lord, please know that I'm sorry for my sins. Please cause me to do what is right no matter what. Help me get through this. I still hurt after not seeing her for 18 months.
Dear Guy in Texas
You are a good person with a clean heart.
You are hurting yourself by putting the whole blame on you. If you keep this attitude you will be worsening your situation.
You did not commit any sins but yes possibly you did not plan well which you should have, your life style, your career or work etc.
The most prominent here is the role of her parents who are blind in their love to their child, to the extent of becoming evil and destroying her marital happiness by putting fire in your relationship with her.
This is a common practice among at least a minority of parents who in their zeal to control lives of their children keep poking their nose in small details of their lives even after their marriages.
This act of cruelty is paid with heavy price by victims of such parents. You are one such victim.
Your wife probably is too impressionable and overly programmed by her parents.
Our suggestion is to leave all this frozen, by gradually deleting it from your mind and go on with your life.
This lady is selfish for sure and totally naive to be manipulated by her parents as to bring you to the verge of maximum hurt possible.
If she loved you she will be with you and not getting restraining orders.
You are now experienced and can build a good career. You must find a compatible woman and go for another marriage.
You will otherwise waste the rest of your life in guilt and lamentations.
Forget the religions, the churches, the family politics, greed and selfishness of all these people and re-design your life - the way you really want.
You are an exteremely aware, intelligent and genuine human being and for your info there are millions of eligible and wonderful women in this country who will die for you.
Please come out of your depression now and change your life from today.
You will be sorry for all this past once you are settled again.
Best of luck.
Editor
| By Sreenivas A. on Saturday, January 19, 2002 - 03:06 pm: |
January 19, 2002
I got married on 16.04.2000 at Vijayawada. Since the day of my
marriage my wife behaved very badly with me. She does not respect
me/ or her parents. She does not listen to any body. She is the
most unfeeling woman I have ever seen before. She respect only
her feelings and does not bother others. The marital intercourse
has not taken place. My first night was very horrible as she
behaved very strangely. She broke her bangles and threatened to
commit suicide if I touch/approach her. I slept on ground without
any bedsheet or pillow that day and thereafter we use to sleep
seperately in the same bed room. For pursuing studies, she stayed
very few days in Hyderabad and left to join B.Sc. final year
course to Vijayawada and after completing final year course
unsuccessfully she came here along with her parents and stayed
very few days. She is not interested in doing any house hold
work/ feel responsible towards it. She always love to sleep only.
On the day of marriage anniversary she said that she can no
longer stay with me as she is not interested in marrried life.
The main problem is that she is not interested in one of the
basic physiological need of human being i.e. sex. I remained calm
and insisted her not to take such drastic action keeping in view
of her unmarried two sisters. But she didn't care for it and said
it would be better for both of us to live separately and after
few days she quarreled with me, with my mother and sister and
left to Vijaywada (her parent's residence) and refused to come
back. I went to my in-law's residence and I felt very much
insulted as she did not even show her face to me.
Atlast I felt very much disgusted with her and decided to get
divorce from her and expressed the same to my parents which was
subsequently intimated to their parents but they are not willing
to go for it. They keep on dragging the issue and are not
settling my marriage issue. As I am the only son and having faced
problems with my three sisters and my depressed parents being old
I desparelty need your help to sort out my problem of getting
divorce from her. Please, please, please, help me out.
Thank you in anticipation.
Friendly yours
A.Sreenivas, Hyderabad
| By MC on Sunday, December 30, 2001 - 03:48 am: |
MC
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 8 YRS MY WIFE IS AN ALCOHOLIC AND WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT I WILL NOT GET INTO TO MANY DETAILS BUT SHE IS A REAL SWEETHEART WHEN SHE IS SOBER WE HAVE TWO CHILDREN WHO ARE TO BE VERY PROUD OF BUT I CAN'T HANDLE MY WIFE WHEN SHE DRINKS ANYMORE, TONIGHT SHE WENT OUT DRINKING BY HERSELF BECAUSE I TOLD HER THAT I WOULD ONLY GO OUT WITH HER IF WE DID SOMETHING THAT DID NOT INVOLVE DRINKING BUT SHE DID NOT LIKE THAT IDEA AND DECIDED TO GO BY HERSELF . I THOUGHT SHE WAS MY SOUL MATE AND NOW I FEEL THAT NO MATTER WHAT I DO ANY MORE THESE PROBLEMS WILL NOT GO AWAY ,DO I LEAVE HER OR DO I BE A MAN AND OVERIDE THIS HURT I FEEL AND CARRY ON FOR MY KIDS , SIGNED MC
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