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Regaining Emotional B A L A N C E

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Hi, I am a 47 year old woman in a new marriage of 18 months. When my husband and I met I was about 25 pounds lighter then I am now. He has recently told me that he is no longer sexually attracted to me because of this but he still loves me. I have been trying to lose weight, watching what I eat and working out but it takes time. I have been so crushed by what he told me and have lost all of my self esteem. I don't understand how you can love someone inwardly and be unattracted outwardly. I always thought when you love someone it is for who they are. I am an emotional wreck. I feel now that if he does approach me sexually that I am going to think, why. Can anyone offer any advice as to how I can get thru this?

I have been married 5 years and am 6 years younger than my wife. She has a very domineering and impulsive nature. She was married previously to our marriage. Through out our mariage she has often compared me to her ex-husband who she claims was the reason for her marriage ending. She has gotten us involved in 4 legal actions by her getting into confrontational situations with co-workers, former friends etc. In addition I have been the sole source of income for the last three years and we still cannot make ends meet. We do not have any children of our own. I feel emotionally drained and would like to move on with my life. Her current law suit has not been resolved and we have many financial issues outstanding. I would like to resolve this situation in the best way for both of us but there is just so much going on that is is difficult to make a decision on How I should proceed. She is becoming withdrawn and will not communicate with me, so I feel as if everything is being left on my shoulders...again.

From your message it feels as if she has not yet resolved her past issues. Comparisons are an indicator that person is still not done with the past. The hatred or revenge factor seen in such cases is actually a hidden unresolved affair based on a deep bonding.

You have two issues here. One is her unresolved past that is going to haunt you for quite some time unless you can induce her to talk once and for all all that she wants. If she compares insist that each individual is different and you do not find it very good to be compared and she should not judge you with that criteria.

Other issue is her conflicting mind. When a person is not fully happy or content with oneself, it manifests as a fighting, combative and angry type finding flaws in everything and everyone around without ever realizing their own conduct.

You can send her hints that she must withdraw and conclude these legal issues as they are draining you.

Communicate with her and tell her what you feel. That should be able to clear up some hot air.

Divorce is an easy way out but it wont resolve her issues surely although you could live more peacefully.


editor

I have a spouse who is disabled, but has a good income on his own. Been married for over 10 years, no children, and experienced alot of controlling moments. I have no friends as my friends are his friends. I limit what I do because I don't want to hear him bickering. I am drained. He loves me and I love him, but I feel that he is not good for my health (mentally) anymore. I really think I should leave.

Any advice

I'm not married and we've only been going out for 3 months. But I admitted I lied to her a few times (the big one was because I told her I loved her the exact day we started dating eachother) and it took away all of her trust for me. I want to know how to regain that trust back.

Hi,
I've been in a relationship for about 3 months and I lied to them about love. I said I loved them on the same day we called ourself a couple. Yes, I did it on the first day we started dating. I knew it was a mistake and I should've told her earlier on. But now when I say it I mean it and I'm not sure she beleives me. I need some help on regaining that trust back. I'd greatly appreciate some advice.

It can work out - trust is fragile, but can be rebuilt. This does not sound like an issue of trust however. You were doing the best you could under the situation, as was he. But things are different now, and you need to deal with the current you's and the current relationship.

Without specifics it is difficult to give specific advice, but I would recommend you try some joint counseling. It will be important for him to understand exactly what you are feeling now, why you were the way you were, and how you have grown. It will also be important for him to understand those past hurts that caused your actions. He will need to share how that affected him and made him feel. With a better understanding of the feelings behind the actions - your love for one another should start to bridge that gap. Then the change in actions and continued communication and willingness to discuss and change can bring happiness and fulfillment.

You may also want to try a weekend workshop coupled with the counseling. Although it did not save my marriage, it gave me some great tools and insight which I will use going forward. Try www.imagotherapy.com and look for a session near you. Some of it I resisted, but the message and tools were very good - especially in retrospect.

Good luck to you.

I was with my husband for 8 years married for 3. I unintentionally made him prove his love for me because I was so scarred from a previous relationship. He tried really hard to fix the issues which were really mine to fix. He got tired of trying and asked for a seperation. We are in therapy (seperately). I acknowledged to him all I had done in terms of making him feel like he had to keep proving he loved me and apologised. He says loves me but he can't trust me. How can I regain that trust? Is it possible?

I AM A 32YR OLD WOMAN WHO'S BEEN MARRIED FOR 7YRS AND HAS TWO SMALL CHILDREN. MY HUSBAND IS FIVE YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME AND WE HAVE ALWAYS FELT DIFFERENT ABOUT GROWING UP AND BEING RESPONSIBLE. HE USED TO SMOKE POT AND SPENDS HOURS A NIGHT PLAYING VIDEO GAMES, NEVER SPENDING TIME WITH THE CHILDREN AND I. IN THE LAST YEAR WE'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH A LOT OF CHANGES WITHIN OUR LIVES AND SEEM TO BE STRUGGLING TO REMAIN CLOSE. HE HAS ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT HE LOVES ME BUT RECENTLY SAID HE'S NOT SURE IF HE'S STILL "IN LOVE" WITH ME. HE SAYS HE HAS A DEEP LOVE FOR ME AND WILL ALWAYS LOVE ME. I FEEL THAT AS LONG AS YOUR MARRIED YOU SHOULD BE "IN LOVE" WITH THAT PERSON. I KNOW I'M STILL IN LOVE WITH HIM. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIM WHEN HE GETS HOME AT THE END OF THE DAY. IS THIS NORMAL IN A MARRIAGE THAT THE LOVE AND FEELINGS CHANGE AFTER SO MANY YEARS? SHOULD I WORRY THAT HE'LL FIND SOMEONE YOUNGER OR PRETTIER? HE WORKS PRIMARILY WITH WOMAN AND THERE'S ALWAYS A LITTLE BIT OF UNTRUST THERE. PLEASE GIVE ME ADVISE ON HOW TO MAKE MY HUSBAND FEEL THAT SPARK AGAIN!

WOW! This message is for Non-Trusting!!!

I ran across this GOOD piece of information. Take heed to this....

TERRY MIZRAHI, M.S.W., PH.D. President, National Association of Social Workers wrote:
Trust is at the core of all meaningful relationships. Without trust there can be no giving, no bonding, no risk-taking. To trust a partner again, betrayal must be acknowledged. The wrongdoer must admit that he or she has inflicted a deep hurt, and the victim must look at what he or she could have done to make things different. Seeking and accepting forgiveness is the first step toward rebuilding a more secure relationship. If the relationship is of a permanent nature (parent, child, spouse), both sides must agree to change specific behavior. In new relationships, at the appropriate time, discussion of such a past situation can alert a caring partner to the other's sensitivities and vulnerabilities.

I really believe that you can rebuild your trust for your husband over a period of time. your trust can be rebuilt with REPEATED POSITIVE experiences --- that is the key!!!!!! IF he doesn't show you or still lies - he wont change or doesn't care to. I just don't buy "Just a friend" with the pictures especially with the word Baby on them.

20 years is a long time - I really hope you guys work this out and rebuild the trust.
You really seem like you love your husband but YOU are responsible for your own happiness!!!!!

In reguards to trust how do I know that he is not going to hurt me agian?
Why is it that I can't seem to let all of this go and just say whatever is will be.
I can't say as though I have had one happy moment since all of this has happend because he came back so different.
And the funny part is! He does not even grasp the concept of hurting me the way that he has.
He says that she did not even know that he liked her and that she was just not who he thought that she was.
So where does that leave how he feels about me ?
How can I trust him not to hurt me.
Everyone says pray and I have, but I am also afraid of being alone!
He was suppose to be my soulmate! And now I feel as though all of that was a lie.

WOW! This message is for Non-Trusting!!!

TRUST is a very difficult word.
But THIS is the foundation of marriage.
Marriage is built on TRUST by walls of MUTUAL consent and unconditional love. Walls can fall if the foundation is weak.

Pray and may god bless you!

Non Trusting,
I have been married for 20years in August.
My husband is in the Army and went to iraq last year. While over there he had the crush on another woman. He swore that she was only a friend anyway! but yet here were pictures of her on his computer dressed and not bad with the exception of them being labeled my baby on all 9 of them.
after being lied to for all of that time and dealing with all of the porn and friends that are girls and boy.
I am not sure that I can trust him again. I have thought of leaving because I do not want to be lied to again and I don't want to be hurt by him again. I guess my question is how do you gain that trust back in husband that is away that much? I love him so much , but I can't trust him and frankly I am tired of being scared and worried all of the time about what he is doing who is he talking too, can I get a sign before he hurts me agian so I can run?

HI, I am newly married. I found out before we married that he
was having a close friendship with a girl at work. He didn't have
an affair, but the disrespect felt like he did. It lead to sexual
conversations that I believe had I not found out could have
turned into more. Before this I had all the trust in the world in
him, but this has caused so many problems. Along with lies
about online porn that didn't have to be lied about for months to
follow. We have talked so openly about all of this and I believe
we are finally making progress. Sometimes I am not to sure
about how to go about working on trusting him. Does it just
come in time? I think I should have waited to marry him. I don't
think it was a mistake to, I believe that as long as we are
communicating we can make this work. I am more afraid of
something like this happening again. I went through an abusive
relationship yrs ago and have two teenage boys, one who is
disabled because of the beatings. I know this has a lot to do with
it, but I took the time to heal myself before thinking of having a
relationship with anyone else..yrs matter of fact..but this trust
issues almost haunts me. I need some advice or maybe we just
need therapy.-

HI, I'M ICE, 20 YRS. OF AGE.W'VE BEEN TOGETHER ALMOST 4 YRS. BUT I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY SECURED ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP. I'M EXACTLY THINKING ABOUT MARRYING HIM AT THIS AGE. I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD PURSUE BUT WHEN I TRIED TO TELL HIM ABOUT MY PLAN HE REJECTED IT. BECAUSE HE IS LOOKING FOR A BRIGHTER FUTURE FOR HIM AND FOR ME.I WANT TO SEEK AND ASK FOR ADVICE IF I WILL LET HIM AWAY FROM ME BECACAUSE HE REFUSED ME ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND PLANS OR TO STAY W/ HIM. PLEASE HELP ME. THANKS
ICE

Hi, I'm 42 years old man. My divorce was finaled 7 months agao. My marrage was end by me cheating. things changed and I step out, big mistake. After trying to change thing it didn't work she couldn't hanlde the fact I cheated.
I know I can say I'm over her after 21 years of marrage but that isn't totally true. I'm trying. I have been dating someone for 4 months now and I am very much hooked on her. She is a very independed lady but can been very loving. We feel for each after serveral weeks of dating and now she is pushing away a bit. She has a histroy of this as her marrage end with her being hurt very deeply so she doesn't want it to happen again.
I am very much in love with her and she has told me she loves me as well. She asked me at time why I love her. What makes me think I love her? It that feeling I get of happiness and warmth when we are together. I tell her some reasons are she doesn't need me but wants me, she pretty, caring and positive. She always says that isn't enough. I know in my heart I love her. But I don't understand what words a woman wants to hear about love. I have a hard time putting things into words but I want to. What are some of the words a woman was to hear about Love?
Any help

Bill

Bill she is clearly telling you that she likes you and feel good but she is afraid.

IF you can produce and demonstrate some realities that take away her fears she will feel secure. A secure woman only can really love.

All others merely fake.

Once bitten twice shy. She was hurt and doesnt want to repeat. You are in the same boat.
She feels your insecurities but also notes that you are still not fully available - emotinonally.

Be decisive, prepare yourself, plan, vision and go to her with a firm plan but also try to KNOW her intimate fears. The moment you remove her fears she will be able to reciprocate.

Editor

I am in trouble. Just when you think you have it all figured out, life throws you a curve ball. I am married to a nice woman who is devoted to me, and I love her. She and I do not see eye to eye on a lot of things. I have spent my life trying to improve myself and she doesn't understand many of the things I do. When she asks me "are we soulmates." my answer is a shy, "what do you think." Lately it has come up more often and I feel I am in the wrong relationship.

Notwithstanding, on the weekend I met a lady. This is no ordinary lady. As I began talking to her we both became excited and where finishing each others sentences. Then later while working together at a seminar I made the mistake of looking into her eyes. What I saw there was not a woman, but my soulmate. I couldn't believe it. I never thought it even possible. I have met tons of people in my 35 years of healing and learning and never have I met anyone who has floored me like that. I don't know what to do. I feel like I would do anything to be with this person - even give up this nice life I have built for a woman I hardly know - and yet know too well.

I am deeply troubled by this magnatism and being unable to act properly. I would also be breaking my covenant with the woman I married (who is definately not my soul mate). And if this is my one chance to be with my soulmate, I feel I must go to her.

Anguished

Still Alive,

My wife abandoned me five years ago, one week before thanksgiving. We had been married for twenty years. During the seperation and devorce all documentation was sent around some significant date that was special to may-be the both of us. When friends and family saw us together they would talk about love is still alive. We made a very lovely couple. As a result to some situations and problems that could have been worked out my love at the time started visiting fetish and other sex sites. This activity made it dificult to talk about problem solving issues in the relationship. Since the divorce I have not seen or heard from this strange lady. I was always atracted to her mysterious nature even when I found hotel receipts. My ex-wife was a child of an alcohlic with ten children six girls and four boys. I was also from a large family seven boys and one girl. We both had a mother and father. What I have been able to do is live through this madness that was around me then and now. I continue to live a good life by sorounding myself with positive people. I have been able to put my higher power in charge of my pain and hope the best for the mysterious ladie. Trying to understand her fetish desires was disturbing but I tried to understnd them and reep the rewards with her sexual desires. It was ok until she found another partner over the internet. I must admit those were the very best days of my life and I'm happy to have spent them with her. In closing we all come into relationships with problems automaticaly thats a given. Reguardless of the problems in the relationship remember to listen one by the other and if it don't work seperate with a hug not a shuv!!!!!!

hi,
my name is mary and am 32 years old and have 2 beautiful children. I just divorced 2 weeks ago and it was my call after he cheated on me. I couldnt take him being dishonest and unfaithful after 5 yrs for the 2nd time or more. My problem si that just this past weekend I have been very depressed and loenly. I cry for no reason and feel so confused. I care for him, but the love is gone. He just left me with so much to deal with, from kids, to house, to feeling so alone.
What can I do? I am very stressed out..help!!!!

You say love is gone... No it is not gone. Love is not an event but a feeling that resides in you.

If you care for him forgive him. Forgiving is loving. If you give him another chance you may patch up the rough edges.

If not forgive him anyway. Recover yourself do not get depressed. Life is continual of living movements.

People do err but it is human.
Do not judge him for his cheating. Important is if he loves you.

Editor

Kris sounds like your wife has had a hard upbringing, the scares left not only in her head and heart but her trust of closeness, when we grow up in a disfunctional family it takes what seems to be most of our young adult life to get some understanding and exceptance of "it was out of our control". Be patient and in the long run even though you will go through ups and downs you will come to see the love you do recieve is true and unconditional, It's easy to give up sometimes but the treasures we find later in life makes it worth while. Be there for her, trust and openness is something she has to learn. I feel for you both but know things do get better, LOVE will help her, Good luck to the both of you.

Hi, i am in the middle of divorcing my wife of 3 years, i am not unhappy with the fact i am divorcing because the relationship was financially and emotionally abusive towards me.

I am having problems emotionally. I am very fragile and i am crying a lot. Both my parents are no longer alive. I am in temporary accomodation while my new place is sorted out. I am with a new partner who is very understanding. But I want to be stronger than I am. I am scared that my new partner will be put off me, thinking that i am an emotional wreak. I feel so weak.

I would love any advice anyone can give.

Thankyou.


Dear Marcus

You should write more specific details about the abusive parts to enlighten the matter.

Your running to another partner while you are divorcing still is not a good idea as it will weaken you further.

If you want to strengthen, bear all by yourself and try learning about your mistakes and her weaknesses and work on them to improve your life.

Do not enter into any new relationship emotionally as you will be ending up in trouble as the partner may not understand you.

As per experience of other people it is not advised to lean on others while you are breaking a relation.

Be yourself on yourself and face it.
Ed.

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